


tell me why it's wrong

by Anonymous



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Character Study, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, Mental Health Issues, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:09:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 40,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26476225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: He’s happy with Even, he’s in love, and he doesn’t want to change a single thing about that. He’d tell everyone in the world how amazing Even is if he could. The problem isn’t him being gay. The problem is that he’s still scared of the way he wants to live. He’s still scared of what Jonas will say. He’s still scared of how the world will see him.or: Isak explores his femininity(repost of an old work)
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Comments: 6
Kudos: 110
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

It starts with Eva and a bottle of wine.

They’re lying in her bed together, just talking and laughing, when Eva decides that it needs to be a little more exciting. She runs up to her kitchen to grab a cheap bottle that she has left over from some party. And since Isak isn’t going to complain about free alcohol, he forgets his aversion to wine and passes the bottle back and forth with Eva.

(he thinks it’s kind of delicious, but he insists that Eva doesn’t say anything to Even or Eskild.)

(but she probably will)

They’re fairly tispy when they hear the doorbell. Eva looks a little concerned, probably trying to remember if someone is supposed to be here. She looks at Isak and grabs his hand to pull him up.

“Isak, I didn’t invite anyone! You have to come with me in case it’s someone creepy or a ghost or something,” and Isak just laughs. He lets himself be led up the stairs by the hand, and she’s still holding on when they finally reach her front door.

She swings the door open and starts laughing. “Oh, fuck,” she smiles. “It’s just some makeup I ordered.”

Isak looks just to see a plain box on the floor. Eva picks it up, locks the door, and leads Isak back downstairs.

She grabs some scissors from her nightstand. Isak doesn’t know why she would keep those there, but he’s not gonna ask.

Eva grabs three smaller boxes out of the package and puts them down in front of Isak before taking her place sitting next to him again. Isak picks the biggest box up to read the packaging.

“The naked heat pallette? What is this supposed to be,” Isak asks, because what kind of name is naked heat?

“It’s an eyeshadow pallette where all the colors are warm tones.” Isak doesn’t know much about colors, but he understands the difference between warm and cool tones from the time that Even had complained for an hour about a project partner he’d been paired with that had no idea how to color correct, but he doubts that coloring works the same way with makeup.

Eva’s already giving him a look when he looks back at her, and he thinks there’s no way this could possibly end well when she asks if she can test it on him since she already has makeup on, but he’s just tipsy enough to agree.

Eva uses a bunch of things that he’s never seen before, but he doesn’t ask questions. He’s not going to replicate it or anything. He gets a little nervous when Eva tries to put mascara on him (he’d like to keep his eyes today, thanks), so she allows that step to be skipped. It takes a while, Isak wonders if it takes this long every morning, and that must be awful, but that’s until Eva holds a mirror in front of his face so he can look.

Fuck, he looks good. It’s a little intense for his taste, but that probably has more to do with the alcohol in Eva’s system than anything. His skin looks so nice and clear, because he’s been breaking out recently, and the colors look really nice on his eyes, and his lips look fuller than usual.

He can’t quite put his finger on the way he’s feeling. He knows he feels good, but it’s mixed with some sort of nervousness. Eva tells him he can take it off and hands him a pack of makeup wipes. He kind of wants to leave it on, but he can’t say that he actually likes it to her face, and he also thinks it would be weird for Even if he showed up with a full face of makeup at home, so he removes it.

The feeling bothers him though. He can’t sleep because he can’t stop thinking about it, and it’s almost two in the morning when it hits him.

Isak liked the makeup on him, and he looked pretty.

\---

The feeling comes back a few weeks later.

There’s a lot of disagreement between Isak and Even about when their official anniversary is (Even thinks October 28th, because the kiss they shared was so special and meaningful to him that he couldn’t imagine not celebrating it, and Isak thinks December 10th, because that was when it became real, when they agreed to take it chill, when they stopped hiding from each other). Isak thinks they’ve discussed it at least a dozen times, but when the first date starts approaching, they decide to compromise.

The 28th will be a special date that they keep to themselves, and the 10th will be their anniversary.

(Isak thinks that’s appropriate, because they had still hidden after the first one, and they thought it might be special to keep those moments a secret from their friends.)

And Isak kind of regrets that whole ‘keeping it to ourselves’ thing when Jonas informs him that Mangus’s 18th birthday party will take place on the 28th, and that Isak better not miss it again. And to make up for last year, Isak should volunteer their place because it’s too cold outside.

Needless to say, Isak isn’t looking forward to telling Even about this. He attempts to make dinner to soften the blow (it’s just pasta with a canned sauce on top, because cooking is hard even if he is an adult now and should know how to do things for himself). Even’s thrilled when he gets home, because he’s had a very long day of school and work, but grows suspicious almost immediately, because he knows Isak way too well.

“Do you need to tell me something, baby,” Even asks, after way too long of beating around the bush.

Isak decides not to avoid it anymore. “Mangus’s birthday party will happen on the 28th and we’re having it here so we can surprise him.” He rushes out the words, looking nervously at Even, who just nods.

“That’s okay. We didn’t have any plans. I think we can still make it special if we aren’t alone,” Even says, and Isak smiles, because he was scared that Even would be upset with him. And Even suddenly gets a smile on his face before he continues speaking. “I mean as long as they all leave it will be fine. We didn’t start the night out alone last year and I think it turned out really well,” he says, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

Isak blushes as he usually does when Even gives him that look. He walks around the table and sits on Even’s lap, arms around Even’s neck and Even’s hands on his waist. Isak leans in, and the kiss they share is slow, intimate. They’re both smiling into it just a little, because they’re so in love and it’s so exciting to share such a feeling.

They sit there for a minute, and even though in the grand scheme of things, this moment isn’t important, and they probably won’t remember it a few months from now, it feels like the world doesn’t exist. Like they have all the time they could possibly want to just be in this exact minute.

Even breaks the silence, says he has a suggestion. “I have a joint. I think we should recreate the morning after our first kiss right now.”

Isak smiles and agrees.

They change into comfier clothing (although, it’s a lot less than the first night, because they don’t need to hide themselves anymore. Isak thinks it’s kind of a metaphor). Even grabs a lighter and Isak gets a mug that they mostly use as an ashtray at this point. They turn most of the lights off, but leave enough to see each other (and the lit joint).

They lay next to each other and pass it back and forth, and when it’s about halfway gone, Even asks what’s happening to the Isak and Even in the yellow curtains universe, because they’re coming up on a year since that morning together, too.

“I think it’s a normal night for them. They’re saving this moment for the actual anniversary because their Magnus is having his party the day before.”

“So is this where their story starts becoming different from ours?”

“Yeah, I think so. I think it’s kind of boring when they’re always doing the same stuff as us.”

“Does that mean we’re boring?”

“No, but they’ve been living the same exact life as us, and I think they should have something different now.”

They discuss the different universes until the joint is gone, until Even asks a slightly heavier question.

“Do you think we end up together in every universe?” Isak is quiet for a minute, thinking about his answer, but he thinks he knows the right thing to say.

“I think some of them don’t end up together, but not because they don’t love each other.” Even seems to think this over.

“So it’s like, they’re still in love but they didn’t do anything about it?”

“No, I think some of them met at the wrong time and it just couldn’t work. I think some of them didn’t get a chance to meet each other. Some of them were probably just too scared to try or to sacrifice anything for the other.”

It’s silent in their room for a minute. They’re still just lying next to each other, facing the ceiling, not touching at all. Isak looks at Even, who looks a little bit too lost in his head for Isak’s liking, so he rolls over, puts his hand on Even’s neck, one of his legs between Even’s, his head on Even’s chest.

He rubs Even’s cheek with his thumb, and decides it’s time to change the subject.

“Do you think this scene that’s happening right now would make it into the movie?” Isak’s asked this question before, he knows Even loves when he does. He’s asking if this moment it important. If Even would immortalize it while he tells his life story.

Even smiles. “I think it would.”

\---

They don’t get out of bed until the morning. They sleep with the lights on. They cuddle even though they get a little too hot since they didn’t think to take their sweatpants off before they fell asleep.

And it’s a good week for them. They both feel relaxed and secure with each other in a way that’s slightly different than it normally is, because for some reason, knowing that they’ve now been staples in the other’s life for a full year makes everything seem more real, and knowing that they’ll get to celebrate that at the end of the week is an amazing feeling.

The morning of the 28th, they both wake up in a great mood. Their friends will be arriving in a few hours to set things up, because this is technically supposed to be a surprise party even though everyone has been completely not subtle about it (which is to say that Magnus knows, but is nice enough to not say anything about it and just go along with everything).

The need to clean up a little, push their bed and table against the wall so that ten people can somehow fit inside their shoebox, but they decide to put it off just a little, just so they can take a little time for themselves.

The time goes on and on, and people will start arriving in less than two hours, so Isak suggests that they shower together (and recreate a slightly different memory) before they get the apartment ready.

It ends up taking an hour and a half to get everything done (honestly, over half of it they spent in the shower), and they’re eating lunch when Even tells Isak that he has something to give him.

Isak panics a little, because he hadn’t known it was that type of occasion, but Even reassures him quickly.

“It’s just a little something, not expensive at all. I don’t even know if you’ll like it, but it made me think of you, and honestly I would've gotten it for you just because even if this day wasn’t coming up.”

Isak’s still nervous when Even pulls a small box out of his school bag. He asks Isak to hold out his arm, and Isak feels something around his wrist before Even says he can open his eyes.

It’s a bracelet. It’s a dainty gold chain, so small Isak thinks it wouldn’t be noticeable to someone who didn’t look right at his hand, and there’s a small green rock in the shape of a heart on the front of it.

Isak’s in love with it. It looks pretty on him.

Even looks nervous about it.

“I know you don’t wear jewelry, and this really isn’t, like, your vibe or whatever, but I just thought it would look nice on you, and the rock is the same color as your eyes, and I thought-”

“Ev,” Isak cuts off his rambling, “I love it, and I’ll wear it all the time,” he promises, and he grabs the back of Even’s neck to pull him into a kiss.

“I hope you don’t think it’s too girly or anything.” Even still looks mildly insecure, and Isak doesn’t like it.

“I don’t think that. I think it feels really special that you got this for me.” And Isak would normally not be so completely sincere. He still struggles with that sometimes and usually prefers to make jokes during intimate moments (unless Even is upset, and then he can’t even remember his silly insecurities). But this moment has him overwhelmed with emotion. He feels so loved, and he loves Even so much, and there are other factors that he doesn’t think he’s ready to think about (like how pretty this looks on his wrist and how it makes him feel better about himself somehow).

His eyes feel a little wet, and he thinks Even notices, because he’s pulled into a tight hug. He mumbles another “thank you” into Even’s neck before he pulls back.

Even looks like he has more to say, but they’re interrupted by someone knocking on the door, and while Even goes to answer it, Isak takes an extra minute to look at the bracelet. He’s not wearing anything particularly special, just his gray hoodie (because Even asked him to, because he’s a cheesy fuck) and some jeans, slightly baggy like he always has them, and he thinks it’s sad that his outfit doesn’t go well with his beautiful new bracelet, but then he catches himself thinking about that, and he lets it go immediately. He’s proud to be gay and he’s proud to be with Even, but he’s not that kind of person.

Anyway, he doesn’t have much time to think about it anymore. Jonas and Eva are here and he puts all these thoughts at the back of his mind, he’ll deal with that later.

Their night is shockingly chilled out for an 18th birthday party, but Magnus and Vilde are going strong, and the main reason Magnus used to like parties was because Vilde was already planning on being there. So they decide to just chill together. They watch a couple movies, get tipsy, and order a bunch of pizzas to eat for dinner.

It’s almost one in the morning by the time everyone is gone. Even started dozing off during the last movie (because Adam Sandler movies are literally a fucking crime, Isak, I refuse to pay attention to this) and is mostly asleep by then, but Isak knows that those thoughts from earlier are about to reappear and that he’s not going to sleep well tonight, so he decides to clean up to get some of the energy out.

He moves their table back to where it’s supposed to be, trying his best not to make noise. He picks up all the pizza boxes and puts them in a garbage bag by the door, but then decides to just take it out now so the pizza smell won’t be the only thing they can smell for days. He washes all the used dishes and leaves them to dry on their dish rack.

And he has a mini moment of panic every time the bracelet catches his eye.

No one had noticed or commented on it all night. He was kind of relieved. He loved it so much, it’s one of the most special gifts he’s ever been given, but it's making him feel things that he’s not ready to confront.

It’s almost four when he’s feeling tired enough to sleep. He spends another five minutes trying to get the bracelet off (he thinks that it might get tangled in Even’s hair while they sleep, somehow). He lays it flat on top of their dresser (maybe he should get a nice little box to keep it in). And when he finally slips under the covers, Even pulls him closer. It’s an instinct, because Even is still fast asleep, but it calms Isak down enough that he’s finally able to sleep.

\---

He spends the next few days trying his best to hide his sleep deprivation from Even and all of his friends. He knows he should tell Even, and he will eventually, but he needs to wait long enough that Even doesn’t think this has to do with their anniversary or the bracelet (because he can’t talk about these feelings, he isn’t ready even though he trusts Even with absolutely everything).

Even puts the bracelet on for him every morning (seriously, can people actually put those clasp things on themselves) and helps him take it off before they go to bed.

It’s a few days after Even gives it to him that Eskild knocks on the door while Isak’s there alone. He has a smile on his face and his arms behind his back when Isak opens the door, and Isak is immediately suspicious.

As soon as the door is closed, Eskild tells Isak that he has a gift and to pick a hand, and Isak smiles, because he remembers this (but he also remembers how badly it ended and how he’s currently struggling with the exact thing he said he wasn’t that night). He doesn’t remember which hand he chose last year, but he chooses the correct one the first time now, and it’s the same lavender air freshener that he’d been gifted last year (that he’d secretly loved).

He invites Eskild to sit with him at the table, because it’s been so long since they’ve sat down and talked, and Isak misses it.

“I didn’t remember the exact date that I told you,” Isak reveals, because through all of the emotional turmoil and fear and pain that his coming out experience had brought him, he didn’t think last year that he’d want to remember any of it. But how he does, he wants to remember the two times that he got to share his own story on his own time, to Eskild and Jonas.

“I knew you wouldn’t remember, so I set a little reminder after I stopped being mad at you that night.” And that made Isak cringe and look anywhere that wasn’t at Eskild. He remembers everything awful he said that night and how much he had hurt the person who had only ever supported and loved him when no one else did. He still thinks about it a lot on sleepless nights.

“I’m sorry,” is the only thing he can think to say, and it’s mumbled, because he’s ashamed. He feels Eskild’s hand on his wrist (thankfully the one with the bracelet is on his lap out of Eskild’s view, because he thinks Eskild would know immediately what’s going on in his head if he saw it).

“Isak, I’m joking. I understand what internalized homophobia is like. I know that you’re proud of your community now and that you were just going through a hard time then.” Eskild looks worried and sympathetic when Isak finally gains the courage to look him in the eye again. He can only nod at Eskild’s words as he processes them, and tries to decide if he can talk to Eskild about these new feelings. They’ve both been quiet for what feels like forever when Isak finally makes his decision.

“What if I, maybe I might be, um, still struggling with those feelings,” he finds the courage to ask, looking down at the table again. Eskild’s hand is still on his arm and he can probably feel it shaking a little bit. He’s so scared but he knows this is something that’s going to plague him for as long as he lets it, and he thinks Eskild might be the best person in the world to talk to about this, because he knows that he won’t be judged, and he knows that Eskild wants to help him be happy.

Eskild seems to be thinking for a minute before he asks “is this about something specifically?”

And it takes a minute to gather the courage, but he lifts his other hand onto the table to show Eskild.

“Even gave me this bracelet a few days ago.” He says it like it explains how he’s acting. He knows it doesn’t, but he hopes Eskild will somehow figure it out.

“It’s a very pretty bracelet,” he says after a minute, and Isak squeezes his eyes shut and nods.

“Yeah, I think that might be the problem,” he says, and Eskild seems to have a realization.

“You think it seems girly,” Isak nods, “and that’s scaring you?” He seems a lot less sure about the second part, so Isak tries to explain.

“I really love it, but I feel guilty for it. Even though I know I shouldn't because it's not wrong to like it.” Eskild seems conflicted.

“Isak, I wish I had an answer for you, but a lot of people have dealt with similar things, and I know you weren’t in a good place for a long time, physically or mentally, and unfortunately, this is just a battle that you have to fight with what you’ve been taught for so long. It’s really something that you have to do yourself, because my fight was different than yours so I can’t understand everything inside your head, but I promise I’ll be there for guru advising whenever I can help.” Eskild smiles at the last part, but still has some sympathy in his eyes. Isak smiles back.

“Thank you, guru,” he says, ending the heaviness that’s been in the atmosphere.

They sit at the table for a little longer, just catching up, Eskild sharing some wild, probably slightly exaggerated stories and Isak answering questions about how great his boyfriend is.

Eskild leaves eventually, but Even’s home shortly after, and he’s having a clingy night, having Isak sit on the counter while he cooks dinner. They shower together, and when Isak says he needs to finish up an assignment before he goes to sleep, Even asks him to sit in bed while he does it so that Even can fall asleep next to him (because Even’s trying his best to be on a more consistent schedule to take better care of himself).

Isak finishes the assignment in just a few minutes, and Even is already fast asleep with one hand on Isak’s bare stomach (just because). Isak is tired, but his conversation with Eskild is on a loop in his head, and he knows that he should at least try to sleep, but he thinks he might be able to figure some stuff out with his usual research methods.

He remembers the words Eskild used to describe what Isak is experiencing, ‘internalized homophobia’, and he knows Eskild knows what he’s talking about, so he googles those exact words.

He clicks on the first link, it seems good enough, and it looks like a fairly simple and well organized thing to read, but he thinks most of what he’s reading more accurately describes what he was struggling with last year. He feels like this is a dead end, and it’s frustrating, because he’s struggling and he doesn’t know what exactly the problem is.

He doesn’t really know what else to do, so he lays down, stares at Even, and tries to sleep (he gets two hours that night).

\---

Isak’s emotional turmoil takes a backburner a few days later when Even wakes up three hours later than normal and tells Isak that he’s still tired.

He tells Isak that this isn’t really an episode, just a bad day. A really heavy feeling, shitty day.

It doesn’t just last one day though. In the end, Even spends three whole days in a fog. He keeps up with his hygiene, he goes to school, and he works all his scheduled hours, but he looks and feels like a zombie, and he’s sleeping for twelve hours a night.

Isak doesn’t really know how to handle this, but he does his best. He tries to cook for Even. It’s not great, but it’s edible and it’s one less thing for Even to be stressed about, because the last thing that needs to happen is Even getting so stressed that he ends up having an actual episode. It’s coming up on a year since he walked out on Isak, completely naked, and Isak doesn’t think Even could handle it happening at the same time of year as something so traumatic.

Cooking for Even so much ends up bringing up Isak’s own traumatic memories. He remembers how much he used to love helping his mom and sister in the kitchen. How they all used to bake together and how Isak would help with dinner some nights, until he became a teenager and learned that boys aren’t supposed to like cooking (and that boys are supposed to like girls, and that boys aren’t supposed to feel their heart race when their friend takes his shirt off to go swimming).

Isak thinks he’s learned a lot of lessons from the boys he grew up with, especially Jonas. Jonas taught him how to skate, and told him what it was like to kiss someone, and how to smoke weed, and they got drunk together for the very first time when they were 14. But Jonas also taught him that boys don’t like boys, and that pink was a gay color, and that he listened to gay music, and that his jeans shouldn’t be so tight because he looks kinda gay.

And Isak loves Jonas, he really, really does. Jonas is family to him and always will be, but that doesn’t change the fact that Isak had modeled his homophobic persona after things Jonas had said. It doesn’t change the fact that it had taken months of being with Even to listen to Gabrielle and not hear the phrase “gay songs” in Jonas’s voice in his head.

He knows Jonas loves him and supports him and is happy for him, but he also knows that he spent a good part of his life hearing homophobic things from the person he trusted most in the world.

And that’s when he finally starts to understand.

He’s happy with Even, he’s in love, and he doesn’t want to change a single thing about that. He’d tell everyone in the world how amazing Even is if he could. The problem isn’t him being gay. The problem is that he’s still scared of the way he wants to live. He’s still scared of what Jonas will say. He’s still scared of how the world will see him.

He’s relieved to have figured at least part of this out, but he still doesn’t really know what to do about it. It seems like the problem is a lifetime of social programming, and that can’t really be undone easily.

He puts these thoughts aside again when he hears Even walk in the door. He stops focusing on himself and instead focuses on wrapping Even in a hug, making sure that he’s alright. They eat dinner quietly, because Even doesn’t feel like talking, and Even is in bed and asleep before Isak finishes the dishes.

He lets out a sad sigh, because it really sucks to see the person you love in pain, especially when you have no idea how to help. He finishes his homework for the night at their table, looks again at the same article from last night, which doesn’t have any extra information. He slips into bed with Even and sleeps for three hours.

Even feels much better the next morning. He apologizes to Isak (who brushes it off), and promises that they’ll have a nice night together later, because he doesn’t work today and he has time.

And it is a nice night. They watch some weird movie that Even’s probably seen a thousand times. Isak sits on the counter while Even makes dinner (which tastes so much better than everything Isak made, because Even actually knows what he’s doing). They cuddle in bed together, and Isak manages to sleep a decent amount.

He’s glad, because even though he’s managed to hide his sleep deprivation so far, he thinks it’s only a matter of time before Even notices and asks him.

They spend a lot of time together over the next few days, just because, but Isak realizes that he doesn’t have a gift for Even for their anniversary or for Christmas.

Which is why he finds himself on a shopping trip with Vilde, Noora, and Eva.

He had been studying in the library with Sana when Noora arrived, and suggested that they should leave soon. Noora explained to Isak that they were going to get food together and then going to do some winter clothes shopping. They had all walked out together, Sana and Noora walking towards the other girls while Isak turned to walk home, until Eva called his name.

“What are you doing tonight,” she asked him. He shrugged.

“Even’s working, so I’ll probably just do my homework and wait for him to get home.” Eva made a noise of protest.

“You shouldn’t sit at home by yourself. Come with us, you can be the gay best friend.” She said the last part in English, making everyone smile in amusement (except Vilde, who probably thought that Isak would be happy to actually take on that role), and so he agreed, as long as everyone was okay with him being there. Maybe he could find something for Even while they were out.

After they had eaten, Sana and Chris had made their exit, not really interested in clothes shopping (they both prefer buying things online, but for different reasons). They were in H&M, one of the ones with a home section, which Isak was walking through to see if anything stood out to get for Even (it didn’t), which is when saw a small, white box.

It’s just a plain box, but Isak thinks it would be great to store his bracelet and Even’s watch (which he misplaces all the time) when they aren’t wearing them. He thinks it’s a little expensive for a box, but he picks it up anyway, and then goes to where the girls are standing by a rack, holding things up to show each other.

Isak tries not to think too much about fashion. He didn’t really care about it for most of his life, and then he didn’t have enough money to care about it, and now it’s something he doesn’t think he should care about. He and Even buy cheap packs of white t shirts, occasionally a new hoodie or pair of pants, and they both have a few pairs of shoes. Most of the clothes he owns weren’t purchased by him. He’d brought a duffel bag of his own clothes when he’d left home permanently, but he’d grown over the next few months and had to start asking Eskild to borrow things.

But now, after living alone for almost a year and living with Even for almost seven months, he knows how to budget, and his dad still sends money every month, and Isak had managed to get a part time job, and Even had one too, and they’re in a much more comfortable financial situation than they had been at the start, and Isak wonders if Even would like it if Isak started caring more about how he looks.

But he shoots that thought out of his own head when he realizes that he’s in the women’s section, and that all the things he’s seeing that he likes are for women. It freaks him out, and he thinks the girls can tell that he’s a little off, but Eva asks him to accompany her to the fitting room, because she found a nice sweater and wants his opinion on it.

He’s a little freaked out about it, because he really doesn’t want Eva’s opinion of him to change somehow because of this, but she ends up just smiling and saying thanks when he says he thinks the color is really nice on her.

He’s walking around the men’s section aimlessly when he feels like he can breathe again. He sees a sweater that looks very similar to one that he could hardly take his eyes off of in the women’s section, except this one is actually for men, and it won’t be weird if he buys it.

It’s an off white color, maybe cream, he thinks. The neckline is a little lower than the one that he’d seen in the women’s, which he’s not thrilled about, but he thinks he can live with it. It’s knitted, though not as nicely as the other one, but this is the one he’s supposed to have. So he gets it. Luckily, it’s not too expensive, and he thinks it will look nice on Even too, because they don’t know what clothing belongs to who at this point.

He thinks he made the right choice, when later that night, he shows Even his two purchases. He thinks the box is a great idea, because he loses shit all the time, and he thinks the sweater is very nice, and gets a huge smile on his face when Isak says he thinks it will look nice with his bracelet.

Isak thinks that this is helping his thoughts calm down a lot, because he sleeps a full seven hours that night. He wears the sweater to school a few days later, and he thinks it’s good luck when he’s walking home that day and sees what he thinks is the perfect gift for Even.

It’s a vintage looking polaroid camera. The kind that’s fairly expensive, but he knows Even wants one, because he’s had a link bookmarked for when he can finally justify buying it (his boy’s an unashamed hipster, and he loves it). He has one of the newer ones, but he thinks the photos that come from it look boring, but he doesn't want to spend so much money on a different one.

Luckily, this one seems to be second-hand, but looks like it’s in good shape, so Isak goes into the shop to get it immediately. He doesn’t really think it through, because he realizes on his way home that he has nowhere to hide this, but he thinks he can make it work for just a few weeks.

(he finds a place in a drawer full of his old school notebooks that Even doesn't ever open)

The next day, he comes home to Even cooking dinner in the sweater, and Isak was correct in thinking it would look great on him. Isak’s day was stressful, so he does the thing he’s been looking forward to all night, and buries his face in Even’s shoulder from behind. He takes a deep breath in through his nose, and he feels so much better, because Even smells like home, but he feels the need to ask.

“Why are you wearing my dirty sweater?” Even puts the spoon down. He turns around in Isak’s arms and puts his own around Isak’s waist.

“I’ve been home for hours, slaving over the stove for my lovely boyfriend, and I missed him.” Even says it like it’s an answer, but Isak gives him a questioning look, to which Even rolls his eyes, “I missed you and this sweater smells like you because you just wore it.” Isak hides his face back in Even’s neck and smiles, placing a kiss there.

“I love you.” It’s mumbled, and probably difficult to hear, but Even kisses the top of his head.

“I love you, too.”

They stand like that until Even pulls back and says that the soup he made will burn if he doesn’t turn the heat off now, and as they sit down at their table, Isak feels so content.

\---

The next few months are kind of crazy.

Their anniversary comes and goes. They celebrate, but there are also some somber moments as they remember exactly what position they were in a year earlier. They’ve both made so much progress, and they’re so proud of themselves and each other, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not sad to remember.

Isak takes his exams and gets so stressed that he hardly sleeps for two weeks, and when it’s finally over, he sleeps for twelve and a half hours (Even was extremely worried the whole time, but Isak acted like he was completely fine immediately after, so he hadn’t said much).

Christmas is an extremely stressful time for both of them. Family situations and religious traumas are a bad combination during a holiday centered around family and religion. They survive it, though, and they both get wasted on New Year’s Eve. They drunkenly ramble to each other about how in love they are and share a kiss in front of all of their friends at midnight.

Mid January marks almost six months since Even’s last episode, and he has another one.

It’s brutal. He decides to take Isak on a trip to Paris for Valentine's Day, and actually books plane tickets before Isak realizes that he’s not joking. They aren’t refundable, but Even still had enough clarity to find the cheapest ones he could, so Isak thinks maybe some of their friends will be able to use them.

Even also buys a ring. He says it’s not an engagement ring or anything, even though he does want to marry Isak, but he thinks Isak is too young and that they should wait until he’s at least in university. He just thought the ring was pretty, and he says that it’s called a midi ring, and he thinks they look really nice and really cool and suggests that Isak wears it on his index finger.

Isak is nearly frantic during the whole process. Ultimately, Even hadn’t spent more than they could afford, so he’s not upset about money, but he just wanted Even to be safe, and to not have too much to regret when he crashed. He puts the ring in the box with their other stuff and forwards Even’s booking confirmation to his own email, intending to see if any of their friends would like to go (after he talks to Even about it, of course).

The depression was much worse than the mania, just like usual. Even had slept for two days, only sitting up to drink a few sips of water when Isak asked him to. He’d cried when he remembered how much money he had spent, and Isak reassured him that it wasn’t as bad as he thought it was and that they could deal with it. Isak picked up a few extra shifts to make up for the fact that Even hadn’t worked in over two weeks. It was hard, but they managed, and they finally sat down and talked about it once Even felt like himself again.

They sat on the bed, facing one another. Even looked down in shame at the fact that they had to have this talk, but Isak was holding his hand over their laps, and he was holding the ring in his other hand.

“Ev, I don’t want to assume anything, so I think you should start by telling me what you’re thinking so we can figure everything out,” Isak started. He knew that the quickest way to upset Even was to make assumptions, and he knew that Even was feeling fragile, and if he got too upset during this talk that he’d pick a fight to get out of it, because that’s his defense mechanism when he feels this way. Surprisingly, he’s quick to agree, and takes a deep breath before he begins.

“I’m really embarrassed about how I acted, and I feel terrible for scaring you, and I’m so sorry that I spent all that money.” Isak can tell by his voice that he’s overwhelmed and emotional, so he tries to come up with a response that will soothe Even’s worries as quickly as possible.

“You didn’t scare me, baby, I promise you. I was only worried about you being safe. And as for the money, it isn’t a big deal. The ring didn’t cost much and the tickets aren’t going to make us go broke, okay?” Even nodded, but was still looking down, feeling shameful. “I wanted to ask you, are you still okay with me wearing this ring? I think it’s really nice, but I don’t want it to make you uncomfortable.” Isak opened his palm, showing Even that he was holding the ring. Even studied it for a minute before he picked it up. He picked up Isak’s finger on the hand that was holding his, and put it on him. He studied it there for another minute before there was a soft smile on his face.

“It looks really nice on you. I think you should keep it if you really want to.” His voice was scratchy, and he still seemed a little scared, but he wasn’t as tense anymore, and Isak took that as a win.

“Thank you, baby. It was really a nice gift, and I love it.” Isak thought he might sound patronizing, but he didn’t worry for long, because Even finally looked him in the eye.

“And what about the trip to Paris?” Isak already had a plan for this one, so he told Even.

“Well the tickets weren’t too bad, so I was thinking maybe some of our friends could use them. I know Noora and William just broke up, so maybe she could go with one of the girls or Eskild,” Isak suggested, but Even had a weird look on his face, so Isak continued, “is that okay? Would you rather do something else?” Even seemed to think for another minute.

“I was just thinking, maybe we could book a cheap AirBnB and go ourselves. I could pick up some extra shifts so we wouldn’t waste all our money.” Even was nervously playing with Isak’s fingers, and Isak could feel the nerves coming off of him, but he knew that Even picking up more shifts was a bad idea, so he had to tell Even that they couldn’t do that.

“Ev, I think you need to focus on catching up with school right now instead of working yourself too hard.” Isak could see Even deflate, and he wondered if this was less of an impulsive idea and more of something that Even actually wanted for a while but was too scared to ask for, so he decided in that moment that he’d be willing to make a little sacrifice for Even’s happiness. “What if I were to work a little more. You just focus on what you need to do to catch up, and I can do a little extra so we can have this together.”

Even had argued a little, but had seemed thrilled when they finally came to the end of it. Isak would work extra so that they’d have the money to travel and Even would work extra if he could manage it once he caught up with school.

The agreement led to some stressful weeks, but ultimately, a beautiful trip together. The trip had thankfully been booked on a good day, so they’d only miss two days of school and work, which they could both manage.

They celebrated Even’s 21st birthday on their first night. Isak took him to a nice dinner and promised him that he could take as many cheesy photos in front of the eiffel tower as he wanted as his birthday gift (which Even was more excited about than the rest of their trip).

They’d spent four days in a bubble. They were in an extremely cheap apartment, but the location was decent, and Even somehow knew enough French to manage navigating and asking random people to take photos of them on his phone (Isak thinks he’s probably learned a little from all those awful french movies he loves).

They both loved every second of it, and it turned out to be exactly what they both needed to destress from the last few months and feel connected to each other.

They both felt great after that, and they were in a really good place, and it was easy for Isak to forget his issues again. He still wore his ring and his bracelet every single day, and got tons of compliments on both, but they felt like a part of him now rather than something that had caused months worth of panic and fear.

He didn’t think about it much anymore, until he realized that his favorite jeans had a hole in the crotch. He had whined about it to Even for an hour, until he had decided that he’d just go buy a new pair over the weekend. Even had offered to go with him, to which Isak responded with,

“No, you just want an excuse to stare at my ass for an hour,” which was a fair point, but then Even had grabbed his ass and kissed him.

He said “I don’t need an excuse for that” in a low voice, and things had gotten heated pretty quickly after that.

But the next morning, he asked Eva if she’d like to join him, and now, here they are, back in H&M.

Isak tried on five pairs of jeans in his size, and both he and Eva agreed that they all fit him in a weird way. Isak was ready to give up when Eva said she had an idea, and hurried off, telling Isak to stay where he was. He sat there for a few minutes when Eva came back with three identical looking pairs of jeans.

“These are women’s jeans, but I think you should try them. They’re made specially for tall people so they should be long enough. They might fit you better and they’re probably more comfortable, anyway. I got three sizes for you to try.” She pushes the jeans into Isak’s arms, and he goes back into the fitting room. He doesn’t understand the sizing at all, so he picks the biggest looking one, because he’s really doing this just for Eva. He’s not buying women’s jeans.

Except maybe he is, because they look great on him and he doesn’t think a pair of pants (or any article of clothing ever) has ever made him feel this good about himself. The waist of the jeans is much higher than anything he’s worn before, and it gives him some shape, makes his waist look nice and smaller than his hips. They’re also way more comfortable than all of the jeans he currently owns. He thinks he’s having a crisis when Eva knocks on the door, asking if he’s ready yet. He takes a deep breath before he opens the door.

“Wow, Isak those look so good on you! You have to stop wearing those ugly baggy jeans right now because you need to show off these legs.” Eva looks thrilled, and Isak is still nervous, but he thinks he can do this. He can buy these jeans. If he cuts the tag out, no one but Eva will ever know that they aren’t for men. He can do this.

Eva asks him what size the ones he’s wearing are, and tells him to stay put again while she runs off. She returns a second later with two more pairs in the same size, but different colors. One is black with rips in the knee, and one is a lighter wash than the blue ones he just tried. She suggests that he tries them too because he looks so good in the first ones. He does what she says, and they both agree that he should get all three pairs.

They aren’t expensive, but he still feels a little guilty about spending so much money on clothing.

He washes them when he gets home, but wears an older pair to school for the rest of the week, way too scared to wear something made for women, even though it’s not obvious from the outside and he cut all the tags out so Even wouldn’t know either.

At the end of the week, they’re getting all the groups (and Eskild) together to celebrate Elias’s birthday. Even will be working that day, so they’ll arrive separately, and Isak decides to finally wear his new jeans, because Even won’t see them before they leave and Isak thinks that’s the only way he’ll finally be able to work up the nerve to show them off (he also fears that Eva will be angry that she spent half of her day shopping with him only for him to not wear what they bought).

He picks the black ones, because he thinks they’ll look really good with his favorite sweater tucked in. He throws on his jewelry and a jacket and runs out the door before he has a chance to second guess what he’s wearing.

He buys a case of beer on the way over. They’re celebrating at Eva’s before they actually go out to a bar, and Even asked him to get the alcohol since he’ll already be running late. Isak doesn’t think they’ll get too drunk, though.

When he arrives at Eva’s, she opens the door for him and when he takes his jacket off, and she comments again on how nice his jeans look. She asks how Even liked them, and when he said that Even hadn’t seen them on yet, she raised her eyebrows suggestively.

And in hindsight, maybe he should’ve shown Even for the first time when they weren’t in public, because as soon as Even looked at him, his eyes turned dark, and he wasn’t able to keep his hands off Isak.

Even eventually pulls Isak into his lap and keeps his hands on Isak’s waist. They’ve both only had one drink, so they’re basically fully sober, but the rest of their friends (aside from Yousef, Sana, and Noora, of course) are well on their way to wasted.

Isak thinks he really, really should’ve shown Even these jeans, because Even has taken to letting his hands roam down Isak’s thighs, and he’s basically biting Isak’s neck in full view of pretty much everyone they know. He’s trying not to react, but he doesn’t think he’s doing a good job, especially when Sana smirks at him like she knows all his secrets. Finally, someone suggests that they should get the mood up before they actually go out. Everyone gets up to dance when Eskild starts some party playlist, and Even drags Isak into the bathroom.

He’s thrown against the wall and Even is plastered to his front, lips on his neck and hands grabbing his ass. He lets out a moan and reaches up to grip Even’s hair. Even’s breathing on his neck and they’re both so, so into this right now that they hardly remember that they’re in their friend’s bathroom and that there are over a dozen people right outside of it. Even tries to pull Isak closer and tilts his head to whisper into Isak’s ear.

“Where did these jeans come from and why haven’t I seen them before?” Isak shudders at the tone of Even’s voice, and he just hopes that the music outside is loud enough to drown out the sounds he’s making.

“They’re the new ones I just bought.” He can tell that his voice is rough, and Even finally bites down hard on his neck, and he grips Even’s hair even tighter. Even’s hands are suddenly on his zipper, and he’s thrusting forward and breathing heavily.

Even gets down on his knees and pulls Isak’s pants down just enough to get his dick out and into his mouth, and Isak knows he’s making noise, but he doesn’t know what it sounds like, because all he can focus on is Even’s beautiful fucking mouth. He knew he wouldn’t last long as soon as this had started, but he thinks it’s only been about a minute of Even’s mouth being on him when he pulls Even’s hair, saying that he’s close.

Even stays where he is until Isak comes, swallowing him down, before he pulls off and stands back up to attach his mouth to Isak’s. They’re both breathing too heavily to kiss for real, but Isak can taste himself on Even’s tongue, and he starts to sink to his knees when Even pulls him back up by the waist, telling him to wait a second.

Even adjusts Isak, pulling his pants back up and tucking his sweater back in before he zips Isak’s pants again. He turns them around and leans against the wall, and then pushes down on Isak’s shoulder to signal for him to continue what he was doing. He’s working on Even’s zipper when Even leans down far enough to whisper in Isak’s ear.

“I wanted to see your pretty ass on your knees for me in these gorgeous new jeans.” Isak’s mouth feels so dry, but he ignores it and takes Even into his mouth. Even’s gripping the back of his neck, and Isak is squeezing the sides of Even’s thighs as he bobs his head. Even is letting out breathy moans that only encourage Isak to go faster, until Even grabs his hair and says he’s gonna come. Isak keeps going until he does and swallows him, and they both stay where they are for a few seconds to catch their breath.

Even pulls Isak up from the floor a minute later. He fixes his pants before he wraps his arms around Isak. They’re both suckers for cuddling after sex, and this is the closest they can get right now. Isak thinks his knees may be bruised later. He didn’t really think about the fact that there was nothing to protect them from the floor before, but he thinks it’s worth it. Even looks at him and smiles.

“There’s no chance everyone won’t know what we’ve been doing,” he laughs, and Isak rolls his eyes.

“It’s not the first time. They get it. They all think you’re hot, too.” Even laughs. He kisses Isak and then takes his hand again. They leave the bathroom together and return to knowing looks from everyone, but they all just laugh it off.

(Magnus will later point out that Isak also got a blowjob from Emma in the same bathroom, and Isak will probably laugh that off too.)


	2. Chapter 2

Pretty

It’s a word that rolls around in Isak’s mind all the time following the party.

Isak thinks it’s the first time someone has sincerely called him pretty. He’s thought it about himself a few times, and sure, he’s been called pretty in a joking manner by Even and Eskild, and a lot of boys used to call him prettyboy when he wore too tight jeans when he was 16 (Isak doesn’t think that it’s really even a word. He thinks that’s just an insult from cheesy American 80s movies and that actual Americans don’t even say that), but he’s never had someone call him pretty and mean it.

It’s a little bit too much to process, the way it’s making him feel. He feels like he wants Even to say it to him all the time now. He feels like that’s how he wants people to see him.

It scares the fuck out of him.

He’s a boy, and boys aren’t supposed to be pretty. Being gay shouldn’t change that, because he’s still just a boy who likes boys, it shouldn’t change who he is.

(Except maybe it isn’t changing who he is. Maybe he’s always wanted this and was just too distracted to realize.)

The following week, he and Even have a discussion about their apartment. The lease is about to expire, and they need to decide if they want to move or stay where they are for another year. When they had first moved in together, it had been a fairly impulsive decision, but they had a backup plan in place.

They rented under Even’s name only (which really wasn’t their plan but Isak being to young to sign a contract) and they chose a place that Even would be able to afford by himself if worse came to worst and Isak moved out (he never thought he would, but they needed to be safe). They bought a bunch of cheap furniture and Even’s parents had given them a new mattress as a belated birthday gift to Even.

So now, with a combination of their two jobs, Isak’s dad’s continued financial support (guilt makes a good incentive), and their savings from their first year together, they can afford to live somewhere a little nicer.

It’s a difficult decision, and they go back and forth for hours, because they both love the little home they’ve made here, but they know it’s not the best place long term. They have a lot of friends, most of whom still live with their parents, which means that their place is the usual go-to for when they get a little too drunk or high to go home, and only having one room means that they have people sleeping on the floor beside their bed all the time, which isn’t the most fun situation. They both have trouble sleeping at different times for different reasons, and the limited space makes it almost impossible to try and be productive in the middle of the night without waking the other up. And it would also be nice to not have to rearrange their furniture if more than four people are coming to visit at a time.

Ultimately, they know they need to move. Luckily, it doesn’t take long to find a place at this time of year. It’s still affordable, but it’s much nicer. The bedroom is a little smaller than their current living area, and there’s a seperate living area and kitchen. The bathroom is a nice size and has a bathtub (which they’re both a little too excited about). The walls are all white, but Even’s eyes light up when they’re informed that they’re welcome to paint them as long as they fix it before they move back out. Even’s obsessed with the big windows, says they’ll be great lighting for them. It’s the first place they look at, but they both agree that it’s perfect and apply immediately.

The luck continues when they get approved, and they start packing up their things a week before they’re set to move out. They get a little sentimental about it. This place was a home for them for a year, but it was also a safe place for two people who had spent years struggling and fighting just to live. They both get a little teary about it on their last night. The bed sheets have been packed up so they’re just sleeping under the duvet on a bare bed, and they talk about how this place and their memories will always have a special place.

It takes over a month for them to properly move into their new place. Even gets really into interior design now that they have the money to care a little (but not too much) and spends the better part of their first month trying to make a plan that looks nice but doesn't waste all their money, and when he finally presents it to Isak, he’s very impressed.

(He also wants to get on with it, because part of Even’s plan had involved painting their dresser, so most of their clothing is still in boxes, and he’d really like to get settled before he starts stressing over exam preparation.)

So he’s thrilled when he comes home from school one afternoon to find Even, three of his friends, and a bunch of open windows (that aren’t doing much, because Isak still almost chokes on the smell of paint), and plastic covering literally everything. Most of their walls are a light peachy orange color (easy to paint over but more interesting than white, Even’s words) aside from one in their bedroom that’s a gray color as an accent wall (again, Even’s words), and their dresser is now white.

Isak thinks it all looks amazing, but the fear creeps back in (are boys supposed to care about interior design and paint colors?). He knows it’s ridiculous. He didn’t think any less of Even when he had spent a month planning everything out, and the fact that he can’t get these thoughts to go away after a year and a half of being out and proud is starting to get exhausting.

He tries not to dwell on it. He kisses Even and says hi to the boys. He asks how Even had convinced them to help, and Elias holds up his camera and says he got some great footage for the channel today, and that Even promised to get them pizza for dinner. Isak smiles, thanks all of them and says it looks great before they all leave, Isak staying behind so they’re not worried about leaving the windows open with no one home.

Later that night they store all the paint cans in a closet just in case Even wants to use them for something else at some point. They peel all the plastic off the floor together before they shower and go to bed.

“Do you really like it? Like you weren’t just being nice and you actually like the colors?” Even sounded insecure, and Isak didn’t like the uncertainty, so he leaned up on his elbows to look Even in the eye.

“I love it. I think it’s gonna look really nice when we get everything finished. Maybe we can even order our new couch tomorrow so we can get it done soon,” Isak suggested. They had both agreed that they would invest in a nice couch, for many reasons. All of their furniture from their last apartment was either cheap as hell or a gift, plus they didn’t have room for a couch there. Also they had found the perfect one. Just the right size, with a pullout bed for their friends, plus it was leather, so probably a little more sanitary and easier to clean after they broke it in (plus, they’re both sappy fucks, and they want their first piece of furniture that they buy together to be nice and last a long time so that they can point it out and say it’s the first piece of furniture they bought together for years).

Even’s giving him the most loving look of all time and stroking Isak’s cheek with his thumb when he whispers “I love you so much,” and Isak smiles and leans down to kiss him.

“I love you, too. I’m so glad we have a new home together.”

\---

There’s a fairly relaxed atmosphere for a few weeks. Isak isn’t doing the russ bus thing and Even feels good about where he is in school. The only problem is Isak’s identity crisis returning in full force.

He’s still not ready to talk about this, but he thinks that’s fair. It’s only been six months since this came up and it took years for him to talk about his sexuality to anyone, but he’s been taking advantage of Even’s new and improved sleeping habits to do some research (granted, it’s not very scientific research, but he thinks he’s figuring things out, so it’s fine).

The newest problem to arise has to do with his black jeans. He loved them for a while, wore them all the time, but once had caught his reflection outside in a store window, and hated what he saw.

The problem is his leg hair. There’s really not much of it, and it’s blond, so it’s not really that visible, but he could see it in the sun, and it’s been bothering him for weeks. He also doesn’t like how it feels. It’s coarse and his legs are fairly rough and dry, and he’d rather them be smooth and hairless.

The photos of models he had taped up on his walls for years, until he moved in with Even, had never done anything for him sexually (god knows he tried to force it), but he always loved the aesthetic of a thin waist and smooth legs. He had acheived the thin waist part with the jeans that he now wears daily (blue, not black), but his legs still looked too manly (and, fuck, he’s so proud and relieved that he was able to say it was too manly rather than trying to pretend there’s another reason).

He decides to go for it. He’s admitting to himself that he wants to shave his legs, and he feels good about it, so the next logical step is searching for youtube tutorials. He’s still in bed next to a sleeping Even, but he knows from experience that the light from his laptop won’t wake him up, so he grabs the closest pair of headphones he can find and watches the first video that catches his eye.

It’s a woman, but he still feels comfortable with his decision, so he presses play, and takes mental notes of the three steps (exfoliate, shave, moisturize). She uses conditioner to shave, and Isak’s thankful, because he thinks that will be easier to explain to Even if he sees the bottle, and he thinks it wouldn’t be too weird if he buys a nice scented lotion, so that’s covered. The girl in the video recommends using a women’s razor if you’re just starting, because they’re a little less sharp and a little more forgiving when it comes to slip ups, and Isak thinks it’s small enough to hide pretty easily, and now the only issue is that he doesn’t know what exfoliating is, so he googles that.

He gets a little too excited when he sees that it’s basically just a way to make your legs super soft and smooth, which is the exact thing he wants, and he even sees that it’s easy to make at home with coconut oil and sugar.

He’s so excited about this new development until he realizes that it’s summer, and he wouldn’t be able to hide shaven legs from Even without making him extremely concerned for Isak’s wellbeing. He considers talking to Even about this, but his heart starts pounding at the thought, so that’s off the table. He goes to bed that night, extremely disappointed with everything, but thinks that he might be able to find a solution.

\---

He doesn’t.

He spends the next weeks figuring out even more about his desires (that coconut oil and sugar mixture can be used all over, including the lips, which is thrilling). Now he knows even more about what he wants, and he’s internalizing all of it, and this is a familiar feeling.

He wants to shave everywhere. He wants his only visible hair to be on his head and his eyebrows. He wants to wear concealer on his face to make his skin look nice. He wants a pretty necklace to match his existing jewelry. He wants his nails to be longer and look nice and healthy.

It’s a lot to consider, but he thinks he can start with something subtle, so he decides he wants to buy a nice shampoo and conditioner so his hair looks all soft with nice curls every day and he never has to hide behind a snapback.

His hair has grown out a little. He thinks it looks nice on his face (Even seems to thoroughly agree), but the cheap shampoo he uses isn’t doing him any favors. He thinks Even will support this idea without any hesitation (and if he doesn’t, Isak will ask him how much he spends on hair products every month, which is an argument he’ll win).

Isak goes to the same store he always buys most of his stuff from, but instead of going to the men’s section, he goes to the women’s, and feels a fair amount of relief when there’s no one else in that particular aisle. He doesn’t really have anything specific in mind, but he spots what he thinks is the perfect thing about halfway down.

It’s lavender scented (his guilty pleasure) and it says it’s volumizing, which is something he’s heard a lot of girls talk about, so it seems great. He grabs it and the matching conditioner, gets a little antsy when he remembers that he could shave with this, but gets it anyway, and he feels a little nervous on his way out. He’s scared that Even won’t like this, but he remembers how much pain he caused himself and the people around him when he was in the closet, and he knows that this is much better than going down that road again, so he takes a deep breath and makes a promise to himself that he’ll use it immediately.

And he does. Even’s working fairly late, so he showers alone, and his hair is mostly dry when Even gets back, and it turns out he didn’t need to worry at all. Even loves it as much as he does. He buries his face in Isak’s hair and can’t stop running his hands through it now that it’s so soft and nice. Isak keeps batting his hands away, says he’ll have to wash it again in the morning if Even doesn't stop, but that only encourages Even more (and Isak secretly loves it).

He’s so glad he did this when he did, because shortly after, his final exams start becoming the main source of stress in his life, on top of already feeling shitty about hiding things from Even and starting to again feel like he’s living a fake life.

He can hardly sleep at all with all of these things on top of each other, and he knows for a fact that everyone around him is very aware of it, especially Even, who had realized pretty quickly that both falling asleep and waking up alone every day was becoming a pattern. And somehow his new shampoo is relaxing, and even if he can’t sleep, he can chill out for a few minutes.

When it was finally time for the actual exams, it got to the point where three or four hours of sleep was a good night. Even had taken to holding him a little tighter when they went to bed together, but Isak would start feeling restless as soon as Even dozed off, and he got up as quietly as possible to go back to the kitchen table to try and get more studying in.

During the exams, Isak slept more with his head on the kitchen table than in the actual bed, and he knew Even was worried out of his mind, and as much as he didn’t want Even to be stressed or worried about him, there wasn’t much he could do to change it.

On the day of his last exam, he comes home around 17:00, and Even immediately pulls him into a hug. He tells Isak to go shower quickly while he makes some food for them. They eat quietly, and they’re both in bed by 18:00, Isak fast asleep in Even’s arms, finally able to relax enough to sleep, and Even watching a movie he had seen a thousand times on netflix just to stay near Isak.

Isak sleeps for almost 14 hours that night, and wakes up somehow feeling well rested but like he’s dead at the same time. Even’s looking at him when he opens his eyes and kisses Isak before he really even has time to react to it. They stay like that for a few minutes, just silently taking each other in before Isak finds the words that he needs to say to Even after the stress of the last few weeks.

“I’m sorry if you were worried about me. I know I’m difficult when I’m that stressed.” He feels like he should say more, but that’s really all he can come up with. Even smiles at him and kisses his forehead.

“I understand, baby. I just want you to be safe, and I don’t like seeing you like that.” Isak looks down, slightly ashamed.

“I know. But it’s okay now.”

“I know. But no more sad talk. It’s Saturday and neither of us have to do anything, so we can spend all day together.” Isak looks at Even and smiles.

“Ev, I think spending all day together mean we finally have to put our IKEA furniture together.” Even groans and Isak laughs at him. There are still boxes all over the place from their IKEA trip that had taken place when Even had finally decided what furniture they were buying. Their living and dining room is basically a couch, a TV, their old table and chairs, and a huge pile of boxes. Even had been trying to put it off forever, and had succeeded, but they both know it needs to get done.

So that’s how they spend their day. They have a nice breakfast together before they tackle the stupid amount of boxes covering their space. Even is smart enough to let Isak read the instructions and doesn’t help unless he’s asked to, because a TV stand will NOT be the cause of a fight between them, thank you.

They take a break to eat lunch before they move into their bedroom. They had purchased an actual desk and some real nightstands, all of which were fairly basic and cheap, so they didn’t take long to put together. After the furniture is completed, Even insists that they put some of their photos up so it looks like they’ve added some nice decorations. Isak thinks that Even’s drawings should be displayed in the living room so everyone can see and that their personal posters and such should be in their bedroom, and Even agrees pretty quickly.

They take the boxes to be recycled, and when they come back up, they’re both so excited that after months of living here, it finally looks like their home.

The following week, Isak graduates. His parents and Even are there to support him, but his parents don’t stay long after congratulating him and informing him that his graduation gift has been wire transferred into his bank account. They have a 3-for-1 party at the end of the week with all of their friends (two and a half months late housewarming, Isak’s 19th birthday, and a ‘99 graduation celebration). As Even suspected would happen, the night ends with a bunch of wasted teenagers promising that they all love each other and will still see each other outside of school (which is dramatic, because most of them are doing their first year at the same university, and half of them are dating each other, but it’s still sweet).

It’s a few days later, and Even’s been fidgeting nervously all day. Isak doesn’t want to push him, so he pretends not to notice until Even’s ready.

“Can I talk to you about something?” It’s the kind of question that makes fear fill Isak’s entire body, but he tries not to show it when he nods. He thinks he did a bad job at hiding it, though, because Even adds “it’s nothing bad. I guess I just want your opinion on something.”

He says “okay,” even though Even’s statement doesn’t do much to soothe his nerves, because why on earth would Even be so nervous if this wasn’t a big deal?

“The boys think I should make an Instagram account, and I don’t know what to do.” And Isak gets it now.

Here’s the deal. Hei Briskeby became a pretty big deal in Norway in just a few months, because it was a group of boys with a very compelling dynamic just having fun together. It had become even bigger when Even and Yousef were both involved again, because the group dynamic was even better with all six of them, and it was basically impossible to not be entertained. And after many suggestions from their viewers, Elias had made the executive decision to start making their videos in English, which has definitely paid off, because now their channel got enough attention to make all of them a little extra money, which was basically them getting paid for hanging out and goofing off together with some fun editing from Elias.

And Even had been extremely hesitant to be involved at first. He felt insecure about being on camera, and he had an awful track record with social media, but Mikeal had been able to convince him that Elias wouldn’t leave anything in that Even didn’t want to be public, and that he wouldn’t have to directly interact with people like the rest of them do on Instagram.

But now that’s changed a little, because people really do love their channel, and people have been asking in their comments for Even’s social media. And Even’s sitting here in front of him, and his hands are shaking at the thought of it, so Isak grabs one of them to comfort him.

“Baby, you never have to do something that you aren’t comfortable with, but I think it would be great if you want it. You’re so great at taking photos, and I’m sure people would love to see them, and you could share some of your art, and you’d be able to interact with people who love you.” Isak hesitates for a second, but he knows he needs to add to what he’s said. “And, Ev, it’s been over two years since the Facebook stuff, and you’re doing so much better, and you understand what you’re going through now, and you didn’t then. Whatever you do, you have my support.”

Even still looks hesitant, but he nods. “I think I might think about it some more.”

“That’s fine. And remember that you don’t need to stress about this. Whatever you want to do doesn’t have to be permanent, okay?” Even nods again, and Isak moves his hands to Even’s neck to pull him down to kiss him. And they drop it for now, but it doesn’t take long for it to come back up, because two days later, they’re sitting on their new couch and Even informs Isak that he’s made an account and he wants Isak to be his first follower.

The account is private even though there’s nothing on it, and Even hasn’t followed anyone yet. Isak knows that this has to be terribly nerve wracking for Even, but he’s so proud of him for overcoming this fear, so he tells him so.

“I’m proud of you for doing this. I know it’s so scary, but this is a huge deal that you’ve gone this far.” The praise makes Even look almost shy, but he thanks Isak for saying that.

“I think I might just leave it like this for a little bit. I don’t know if I’m ready to have actual followers,” and Isak knows that Even’s not asking for his approval, but informing him of his plan, so he takes the opportunity to let the tension out of the conversation.

“I’m not an actual follower? What exactly are you saying?” Even smiles at him again.

“Nothing, baby. You know I love you. Plus all of the photos I share will be of you so you’ll see them before I post them anyway,” Even jokes, but Isak knows he’s kind of serious. Most of the photos in Even’s phone are of him.

“That’s true. But I reserve the right to kill you with my bare hands if you ever post about our sex life again,” Isak says referring to the “before or after” incident from the previous year.

“Baby you can do anything you want to me with your bare hands,” Even says, doing that stupid fucking eyebrow thing. Isak rolls his eyes.

“You fucking suck, Even, I’m being serious,” Isak jokes.

“Sucking sounds like a good idea right now,” Even says, leaning over to kiss Isak’s neck. Isak rolls his eyes harder than he thinks he ever has before.

“That was literally one of the worst lines you’ve ever used on me,” Isak says, but after a moment of consideration, he looks down at Even’s crotch, and he’s already half hard.

“Did it work, though,” Even asks into Isak’s neck. Isak rolls his eyes again, just on principal, but pushes Even onto his back.

“Take your pants off.”

\---

A few days later, Isak is presented with an opportunity he didn’t think he’d have for months.

Apparently, Even’s uncle had passed away, and the funeral was a couple hours away. Even informed him that it isn’t really a sad occasion. The man was a racist homophobe since birth, and had never gotten along with Even’s mom, even when they were young. Even had only met him a handful of times, and his mother had kept him away at all costs. Still, Even’s grandparents would be upset if Even didn’t show up with his parents, but it was probably safer for everyone if Isak didn’t come along, because they have no idea what type of friends this man had and how they’d take to Even bringing his boyfriend.

They were driving up, because they didn’t want to try getting flights on such short notice, but since it was so far away, they’d probably stay a few extra days and find some things to do so they aren’t in a car all day for multiple days in a row.

Isak says he understands, and he sits on their bed and talks with Even while he packs.

They cling to each other all morning before Even’s parents arrive to pick him up (they stop inside for a few minutes, because they had yet to see the completed apartment, and they tell them it looks great). They hug for a full five minutes before Even leaves, because they haven’t spent more than one night apart at a time since they’ve been together, which they both know probably isn’t the healthiest, but they love each other.

Even wipes a tear from Isak’s cheek when they pull back, and kisses him slowly, trying his best to show Isak how much he loves him from just that action, and then he leaves. Isak already feels lonely five minutes later, but he knows that a few days without Even here means that he can try out all the things he wants without having to worry Even, so he heads out to the store.

He gets coconut oil, a women’s razor, and finds a nice, fruity scented body lotion. He goes to the cosmetics section and finds a concealer that looks like it will match him nicely (along with a pack of makeup wipes), and he sees a strawberry flavored lip balm that he can’t resist (Even loves strawberries, so he’ll probably appreciate it). He thinks they already have sugar, but he gets the smallest bag he can find just to be safe.

He lays it all out on their dining table when he gets home. He looks at all of the items individually, and feels a crazy amount of excitement for what he’s about to do, but also a little bit of guilt (he can hear Eskild’s voice telling him about internalized homophobia in his head).

First things first, he needs to mix the sugar and coconut oil to make his scrub. Most of the recipes he saw had weird colorings and scented oils, but he doesn't think those are really necessary, so when he disregarded all of those, he figured out that it was basically just one part oil mixed with one part sugar. He didn’t want to make too much, so he mixed half a cup of each into a bowl (he doesn’t know where they got measuring cups, but okay).

He takes all his things to their bathroom and leaves the bowl in a place in their shower where he hopes no water will get in it. He starts the water and lets it get warm while he opens the disposable razor. He makes sure he has a fresh towel, because this is probably the only chance he’s going to get to make himself feel this good, so he’s going all out.

When he finally steps under the spray, he takes a deep breath before he gets some of his homemade scrub in his hand and rubs it all over his leg, repeating the process on his other leg, his arms, his shoulders, and his feet. He tries not to brush his hands across his skin. He wants to wait until he’s completely done to see what it feels like. He starts the shaving process under his arms, because it seems to be the place with the smallest risk. He spreads a small dab of conditioner around the hair, and it only takes a few swipes of the razor for it to be gone.

He really loves it. It looks so clean and smooth, so he does the other side. After a minute of admiring it, he thinks he’s ready to move on to his legs. He rubs the conditioner around his calf and ankle, and as soon as he makes the first swipe, he knows he loves it. He does his thigh and repeats on the other leg, still trying not to brush against it.

Finally, he moves on to the crotch area, which seems like the riskiest place, but he feels confident about it, only having made one small, not even noticeable cut near his knee. He takes a little more time, though. He’s decently flexible, but it becomes a difficult process when he tries to shave the hair around his butt. He’s careful, and he thinks he’s done a good job, because he hasn’t noticed any blood at all, and he looks bare.

He looks down, and he thinks he’s absolutely in love with how he looks right now. All smooth and bare. He continues his shower. He washes and conditions his hair and washes all the conditioner off his body with Even’s favorite soap (he misses him and it smells good). He steps out and grabs his towel, and he’s shocked by how sensitive his legs are when he dries them. He already feels amazing, and he doesn’t know how this could feel better, but he thinks there’s a good chance it will when he remembers all the other stuff he bought.

He starts off with the lotion, and he takes his time with it. His skin feels so nice. He never wants it to stop feeling this good. He rubs it pretty much everywhere, and he takes so long that his hair is almost dry when he finishes. He wraps his towel around his waist and goes out to grab a pair of boxer briefs from their dresser. He just grabs the ones on top. He doesn’t think it really matters.

He returns to the bathroom and grabs the coconut oil scrub from the shower. He’d been sure to leave just a little bit to use on his lips, and it’s not the nicest feeling in the world, but once he rinses it off and smears the lip balm on, the difference in feeling is so good that he doesn’t think he minds that it feels a little harsh (plus, the combination of coconut and strawberry is really, really nice).

Finally, he’s ready for the concealer. He’s seen Eva use it for what she calls ‘touch-ups’, so he copies what she usually does. He dabs a little around his eyes and nose and wherever he has a little discoloration, and he blends it in by tapping it with his finger until it just looks like it’s his skin.

He loves this so much. He feels amazing like this. He goes over to the full length mirror to get a better look at the whole picture, and he just stands there for probably too long.

His legs look amazing, and his face looks smooth from the concealer, and he smells amazing, and his hair looks good, and Isak doesn’t think he’s ever felt this good about himself. He thinks he wants to look exactly like this forever.

He goes about the rest of his day in the same state. Mostly naked so he can still look at his shaven skin, and he leaves the makeup on until Even tries to facetime him. He rushes to remove it with the wipe and he throws a shirt on before he calls Even back, apologizes and says he wasn’t paying attention. They talk for over an hour (which is ridiculous, because Even’s been gone for less than 12) before Isak can see Even starting to fall asleep, probably exhausted from traveling and seeing relatives that he doesn’t like.

He tells Even to plug his phone in but promises that he’ll stay on the phone until Even’s asleep so he won’t be lonely (they both know they’re ridiculous). Even uses a spare pillow to prop his phone up to face him. They talk for a few minutes until Even’s responses become just small hums, and eventually stop altogether. Even looks so relaxed, and Isak can hear his deep breathing, and it’s so comforting. He considers hanging up, but he’d rather just watch Even sleep for a while.

It’s getting late, and Isak has to work in the morning, so he finally hangs up after almost an hour of just watching and listening. It’s pretty easy to fall asleep, considering how much trouble he usually has sleeping without Even, but he thinks it has something to do with feeling so good about his day and his new discoveries.

He works a pretty long shift the next day, but there isn’t a lot of business overall, so it’s not bad. He thinks it’s kind of depressing when he gets home and knows that Even won’t be there again tonight. He kind of feels like there’s no point in making dinner for just himself, so he just heats up a few pieces of leftover pizza from the night before. He thinks he’s set up to have a pretty sad night, until he realizes that his legs are still basically completely bare.

He takes his clothes off, and pretty quickly blends his concealer in the same fashion as the night before and adds some lip balm. He doesn’t bother with all the other stuff tonight, he doesn't want Even to be able to smell it on their sheets when he gets back, but he thinks it will be good enough.

Except it isn’t. Tonight, he’s over the initial joy he had felt at his appearance yesterday, and he sees that there are things that aren’t quite right. His skin looks a little dull, since it’s all one color, and it makes his eyes look kind of small, and the biggest problem is his underwear. It looks boring, and wrong, and almost kind of bulky in a weird way. It doesn’t flatter him the way his nice jeans do, but he doesn’t know what to do about it.

He feels let down again, so he takes the makeup off and gets dressed in some sweats and a worn in t shirt that he thinks Even has worn recently, because it smells like him. He watches some shitty netflix series for a while, not really paying attention. He’s mostly thinking about how disappointed he is and how to fix the issues he’d seen when he looked in the mirror.

(And this isn’t about him being insecure. He knows he has a nice body and a nice face and nice hair (Even reminds him all the time). It’s about not feeling right in his skin, because he feels like he’s hiding and holding back and that’s not who he is anymore.)

Even facetimes him again later, says the funeral was shitty and he’s had a terrible day. Isak doesn’t tell Even that he’s had a bad day too, because he’s not ready to explain it. But that night, Isak doesn’t hang up after Even falls asleep. He keeps listening because he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to sleep if he doesn’t.

Isak finds a hiding place for his razor and his concealer the next day. He puts it under some heavy sweaters in a drawer that probably won’t be opened again until November, so he doubts Even will suspect it. He doesn’t think Even will ask any questions about the other stuff. Coconut oil can be used for cooking, so he leaves it in the kitchen, and the lotion isn’t really a weird thing to have, especially since Isak has kinda dry skin. And he’ll probably love the lip balm, Isak thinks it tastes great on his lips.

His phone lights up with a notification later that day, and it says that Even just posted his first ever Instagram photo.

It’s a photo of him, probably taken by his parents on their current trip, because Isak’s never seen the shirt Even’s wearing, so it must be new. He’s got a huge smile on his face that makes Isak’s heart flutter. There’s no caption, but it looks like he’s used the same photo as his new icon, and Isak likes the photo before going to Even’s profile to see if he’s right (he is) and he notices that Even’s account is still private, but he has six followers and six people he’s following now (both are Isak and the boys).

Isak’s proud of him, and it makes him realize that he really needs to figure out what’s going on with him as soon as possible, because Even doesn’t deserve Isak keeping secrets and hiding this way when he’s working so hard to deal with his own traumatic past and including Isak in it.

So he decides to take notes like it’s an assignment that he’s trying to figure out.

He starts with a list of things that he thought were wrong when he first started doubting himself (his overall appearance is basically all he can think of for that) and then he makes a list of things that made him feel better about it (his jewelry, his new jeans, and his nice sweater).

He repeats it for what he considers the second round of the freakout. Writes a second list of problems (too hairy, rough skin, wanted a healthier looking face and nice hair) and a second list of solutions (concealer, new hair products, shaving, exfoliating, and moisturizing).

And now he’s at round three, and he wants to write down explanations that are a little more descriptive so he can figure this out, so he writes a numbered list of issues.

I want my face to look nicer  
I hate the way my underwear looks on me  
I want to smell more like the new stuff I bought instead of the soap I’ve been using  
I want Even to know because I don’t want to lie to him

Isak thinks the fourth point is by far the scariest. He knows Even would never judge him or make him feel bad for any reason, but the scary part comes in admitting out loud that this is a problem (also that Even may secretly think that some of this is weird).

Isak also fears that it may sound like a gender identity issue, and he knows wholeheartedly that it isn’t. It’s more of a gender expression issue (he’s been reading a lot of queer literature during his “research.” He thinks Eskild would be super proud of him). It’s so deeply ingrained in him from his upbringing that boys are supposed to act a certain way, and he knows it’s bullshit, everyone in his life agrees with that, but he’s still scared of not acting like a boy.

He thinks that the first step is probably to tell Even, but he knows that Even would remind him to take all the time he needs to feel comfortable before he opens up, because he’ll feel even worse if he does it before he’s ready.

So he makes a deal with himself. He’s allowed to figure out what he’s already written down, but he won’t move any further than that without telling Even what’s going on.

But he doesn’t have much time tonight, because the boys are coming over to hang out since they haven’t seen each other much over the last month. Isak knows he’s being paranoid, but he hides the notebook with his lists under the bed and puts the lotion under the sink where the boys won’t look.

They have a great night, and Isak is thrilled when they suggest they should all just sleep here and go for breakfast in the morning, because it’s the first time he gets to use the pull out couch (he knows it’s a silly thing to get excited about, but he doesn’t really care). They all help put the sheets on it while Isak grabs their extra pillows, and Mahdi and Magnus get ready to sleep there, because Jonas is the only one he feels comfortable having in his and Even’s bed (Isak sleeps on Even’s side, though. It would feel wrong if Jonas was actually in his place).

Even calls before Isak turns the lights out, and they talk for a few minutes, but Isak doesn’t feel like being all sappy over the phone when Jonas is within arms reach and definitely paying attention. Isak turns all the lights out, and it’s pretty silent throughout the whole apartment until Jonas breaks it.

“I’m really happy for you, Issy. I never would’ve guessed two years ago that you’d be in such a good place right now.” Isak could hear the sincerity in Jonas’s voice, and it made his throat burn a little with emotion, but he doesn't want it to get too deep.

“Yeah, but, to be fair you wouldn’t have guessed two years ago that it would be a guy that makes me happy.” Jonas huffs out a laugh, but falls silent after, so Isak thinks they’re done until he hears the sheets ruffle, and he can tell that Jonas is facing him now, but he still looks at the ceiling.

“I’ve been meaning to say this for a while, and I think it will be easier now that I can’t see you, but I’m sorry. I said so many terrible things about gay people growing up, and I thought it was okay, maybe even cool, because you and the people around us would say them too, but now I realize that you were just imitating me because you thought you had to to be safe around me, and I feel terrible about it, because you’re my best friend and I love you no matter what. And I’m sorry that you went for so long not knowing that, and I’m sorry that I was part of the reason you hated who you were. I never really thought like that, and I should’ve been a better friend, but mostly I never should have said it in the first place. I don’t think it’s wrong for anyone to be themselves.”

Isak can feel the tears running down his face, because fuck, that’s all he wanted to hear for so long, and he feels like a huge weight has been liftted off his shoulders, because Jonas never meant it. He never would’ve thought less of Isak being true to himself, and it makes him feel less ashamed of what he’s going through, because most of his preformative masculinity had been to seem okay in Jonas’s eyes, and he doesn’t need to be afraid of that anymore. He knows Jonas can hear the emotion in his voice when he thanks him for saying that, and he feels Jonas squeeze his arm in comfort before he turns to face away from Isak to sleep, and Isak does the same thing, except he doesn’t really know if he’ll be able to sleep with everything from today running through his mind.

He gives up after an hour, and he steps out into the hallway of the building to call Even. He knows he’s probably going to wake him, and he feels bad about it, but he doesn’t think he can handle not hearing Even’s voice until the morning, because he feels so fragile.

Even sounds groggy when he answers, but sounds more alert immediately when he hears how emotional Isak is. Isak promises him that he’s okay, just needed to hear Even’s voice. Even tells him to go back to bed and that he’ll just talk until Isak can sleep, Isak doesn’t have to respond.

Even talks for half an hour before he falls back asleep in the middle of a sentence (it’s hopelessly endearing to Isak) but Isak matches his breathing to Even’s and manages to get a few hours of sleep with the phone still under his head all night.

The boys have a nice breakfast in the morning, already making plans to hang out again the following weekend, and Isak goes home to face his last full day without Even. He pulls the list back out to look at it again and start brainstorming ideas.

He thinks the solution to the first one is fairly obvious and simple, he just needs to buy more makeup products rather than just having a single concealer. He starts doing research (watching youtube makeup tutorials). He scrolls through quite a few, and he’s pleasantly surprised to scroll by multiple men who seem to do makeup for a living (it’s also pretty comforting at this point), but none of them look right. Most of what he’s seeing looks too intense for what he’s going for, and even if it was what he wanted, he doesn’t think he’d be able to achieve the artsier looks (he spares a thought for the fact that Even probably could, and maybe one day this is something that could involve both of them).

It takes a fair amount of scrolling before he sees a video he thinks could be the right one. The girl’s makeup looks really nice and natural on her, and he thinks it’s a sign of good luck when he scrubs through the video and sees that she’s using the same palette Eva had used on him almost a year ago now, so he restarts it and keeps his notebook beside him to write down things he wants to remember.

The girl is really funny and has a nice video style, so at least he’s not wasting time watching someone who isn’t genuinely entertaining. She starts by moisturizing, which Isak already does, so he feels good about it already. She uses a foundation and a few concealers, but Isak thinks his skin looked pretty similar when he just used concealer, so he thinks he can skip some steps there. He thinks he needs a powder, though. She does her eyebrows, but Isak’s been told by a lot of people that he has really nice natural brows, so he doesn’t think he needs to do that either. When she gets to the eyes, he’s reminded that the palette is really expensive, but maybe he can use a little of the money his dad had gifted him for graduation, because the colors look nice on her and Isak remembers that he really liked how it looked on him when Eva did it.

When she does the mascara, it makes his chest tighten a little bit. For some reason, it’s the part that makes him the most uncomfortable. He thinks it’s probably because his mantra for maintaining his masculinity throughout all of high school had involved the phrase “tights and mascara,” but he knows he wants this, so he writes that down as part of his new shopping list.

She also uses a highlighter, and Isak knows for a fact he wants one of those, because it makes her skin look so healthy and glowy and he wants to look like that. She mentions contouring, which seems a little intimidating, but maybe he’ll try it. She only adds a little bit of blush, but Isak thinks that part of his problem with the concealer was that it took all the color from his face, so he decides he wants that too.

She finishes with a lip balm, and Isak thinks it’s a nice look to make it more natural, so he decides to just do that. He thinks she’s done when she starts posing to show off the look, but then she starts talking about the beauty industry and how she doesn’t want to make anyone feel like they need to buy some of the expensive stuff she’s using, says most products can be found cheaper, and that people should just get to know what’s best for their face.

He feels a little relief at that, and he’s so glad that he had been patient enough to find such a nice video. He adds it to a private playlist in case he wants to look at it again later. He decides not to go shopping for these things today, because he has other things to do and doesn't want to be in a rush. He looks back at his list of things that are wrong, and he focuses on his third point, because that seems to be a little less intimidating than the painfully obvious solution to the underwear problem that he doesn’t think he’s quite ready to face yet.

He thinks it’s probably a simple solution. He’ll just buy a new soap and deodorant, and that’s the problem solved, and it’s one he can deal with today, because he needs to buy groceries before Even comes back tomorrow.

It doesn’t take long, his grocery list is pretty much the same as it always is, so he knows exactly where everything he needs to buy is, and then he heads over to the personal care section, and goes into the women’s aisle. There’s another person at the other end, but she seems to be minding her business, so he tries not to get too caught up on it.

He looks at the deodorant first, and he finds a decently priced one that says it has aloe vera, so it probably has a subtle scent that won’t clash with everything else Isak wears. There are a few more options for body wash, but Isak sees a coconut scented one and thinks it will be nice since he’s already using coconut oil.

He’s nervous again at the checkout. He thinks the woman ringing up his items is going to judge his preferences, but she doesn't have any reaction to it whatsoever, so he feels a little better.

He puts all the groceries away when he gets home, and as much as he wants to use all his new stuff, he’s a little nervous about what this may seem like to Even if he goes too far too fast. He knows logically that Even really won’t mind or probably even acknowledge it beyond telling Isak he smells good, but he’s still nervous.

His body hair is growing back, but it’s noticeably shorter than it was when Even left, and Isak knows he won’t be able to hide it. Even if he wears sweatpants to cover up, Even will try to take them off of him at some point, at which point he’ll either comply and be exposed, or tell Even no, which he never does (he’s still a teenage boy), and make him nervous that Isak’s upset or he’s done something wrong.

So he knows he’ll have to confess to Even sooner than he was hoping, but he also knows that he’s in a safe position to do so, and that Even is going to support him.

That’s not to say that when he hears Even’s key turning their lock the following day he doesn’t almost have a panic attack, because he does, but it’s overtaken by his joy at finally seeing Even after five days. Even picks Isak up and spins him around like it’s some sort of movie scene where the couple is reunited at the airport after months apart, but Isak isn’t going to tease Even for being overdramatic after he literally almost cries when Even kisses him.

Isak thinks he never wants to stop touching Even ever again. They hold hands to walk through their apartment to the bedroom so Even can unpack his bag, and Isak can’t take his eyes off Even while he does. They lay back on their bed together, just holding each other. Isak thinks Even is drifting off, had probably woken up pretty early in order to get home at a decent time, so he just lets it be quiet. He strokes Even’s hair until he’s asleep in his arms, and he can’t help but feel nervous again.

Even knows all his secrets, and he’s never judged him, but he’s still scared that Even will think of him differently. He also knows that he needs to make sure Even understands it for what it is. It’s not a sexual thing or a fetish (at least not right now), and it’s not a gender identity issue. It’s just the way he likes to look, and things that make him feel good about himself.

He’s planning a speech in his head, but it all sounds wrong, and he realizes that he’s been going over and over this in his head when Even hums and starts to wake up, and he looks at the clock and realizes that he’s been asleep for over an hour.

Isak strokes his hair a little, and Even gives him a sleepy smile, eyes still closed.

“Did I fall asleep,” Even asks, and Isak’s heart flutters at his sleepy voice.

“Yeah, just for about an hour.” Even hums, then opens his eyes.

“Well now that I’m well rested, I think I should get reaquainted with your asshole,” Even says teasingly.

“Jesus Christ, Even, that’s gross. Plus you were literally passed out like 30 seconds ago,” Isak says exasperatedly.

“Are you saying no?”

“Of course not.”

Miraculously, Even either doesn’t notice how short his hair is or just doesn’t find it necessary to comment (he finds it hard to believe that Even hadn’t noticed at all, because it was probably pretty obvious considering that Even had his tongue literally everywhere). Isak’s glad either way, because he can have more time to figure things out without Even.

He feels guilty about not wanting Even to know, but he needs this so much.

\---

Isak gets into a pretty unfortunate routine over the next few weeks. He keeps everything exactly the same as it was before Even’s trip, only now he sometimes goes to his hiding place and just stares longingly at all the things he bought that he wishes he could use.

The only thing that’s changed is his new lip balm, but Even loved it, so it wasn’t a big deal.

He’s starting to lose sleep consistently again. He has a drawer full of things that he can’t use and a list of things he wants that he can’t buy and he can’t get the thought of the underwear situation out of his head.

He hates it, because he feels like his life is fake again. He’s hiding so much from Even and it’s uncharted territory for him, because he usually tells Even basically everything. He’s spending a lot of nights in their living room watching shitty movies on his laptop because he can’t fall asleep and doesn’t want to wake Even, but he knows Even is starting to pick up on the fact that something is wrong, and he doesn’t think he has the ability to lie to Even, so he’s trying to avoid questions.

One night, he’s sitting on their couch, scrolling through netflix with a blanket on his shoulders when Even appears beside him. He’s startled, and knows he shows it, but Even doesn’t comment. Isak thinks he’s probably still half asleep, and it takes a minute for him to wake up enough to ask what’s been on his mind.

“Why aren’t you in bed, baby,” Even asks as he puts his arms around Isak’s waist and leans on his shoulder. Isak shrugs. He’s still too ashamed to tell Even the truth, and Even just sighs. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I love you, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide, even if,” Even hesitates, has to pause for a second like it’s physically difficult to get the words out, “even if you’re having doubts about us or I’m the problem, I don’t want you to suffer.”

Isak’s alarmed at Even’s words. He never thought for a second that Even could think he’s a problem or that Isak could ever doubt what they have together, so as much as he wants to evade all questions, he needs to reassure Even more than that, so he pushes Even’s chin up so they can look at each other, and the insecurity in Even’s eyes breaks Isak’s heart.

“None of this is about you, or us, Ev. I promise. I love you so much, and I have no doubts about us.” The look in Even’s eye becomes a little less heavy, and he tightens his arms around Isak’s waist like he wants a hug, so Isak complies, puts his arms around Even’s shoulders and leans back, allowing Even to lean on him.

They don’t move for a while. They just soak in each other’s presence. Isak can tell Even falls back asleep at some point, and he adjusts their bodies so that they’re laying down on the couch and the blanket is covering both of them. It’s difficult to do without jostling Even so much that he wakes up, and objectively, it’s not a comfortable position. Even’s basically on top of him and their legs are a little too long to fit without being scrunched up, but Isak feels safe, and he falls asleep to Even’s breathing.

He wakes up the next morning with an idea. He’ll have to wait until the night to go through with it, because him and Even both work basically all day, but he thinks it’s really going to help him.

They eat breakfast together, and Even seems much more relaxed than he has for weeks (and how did Isak not notice Even was struggling too???).

Work is pretty uneventful as always, but he can’t get his idea out of his head, and he’s so excited,both because this is objectively exciting thing, and because this will help him figure things out, for his and Even’s sake.

Even’s already making dinner when he gets home, and Isak sits on the counter to watch like he often does, but this time he pays attention, because he’s not afraid to not fit into his masculine gender role anymore (or at least he’s working on it), and he’d like to learn to cook actual good food for Even.

(sometimes, he wonders how Even is so chill and unconcerned about gender roles. He wonders if he ever went through a similar crisis to Isak’s, and he thinks maybe once everything is out in the open, he’ll be able to ask Even questions, too.)

They try to watch a movie, but Even gets handsy and it escalates from there. They shower together afterwards, and Even holds Isak in his arms when they go to bed.

Isak waits until he’s sure Even is asleep before he pulls out his phone and opens a private safari browser. He has to take a second to breathe before he googles “men in lingerie.” He clicks on images, and he’s so nervous, and it turns out to be all wrong.

Half of the photos look like dads who put on their wife’s lingerie as a joke, and their faces in the photos look like they lost a bet or something, and the other half of the guys look like gym rats, which isn’t his vibe.

None of the guys look like him, and this isn’t what he wanted. All of them look like they’re desperately clinging on to the fact that they’re macho men, and Isak doesn’t want this. He’s tired of being ashamed, so he closes the browser and almost throws his phone down in frustration.

He doesn’t know where to go from here, because he thought this was the perfect plan. He thought he could find nice underwear like he’s seen on the models he tried to be attracted to for so long, but he hates what he’s found, and it’s mostly an impulse decision to go to the H&M website and look at their lingerie section, but it ends up being the best thing he’s done in a while.

There’s nothing special at first, he thinks a lot of what he sees is kind of boring, and then he finally, finally sees something resembling what he’s been wanting for so long, and it’s not exactly what he wants, but at least now he knows that they have something close to it, so he continues scrolling.

In the end they don’t have a lot of options, but he sees two pairs he really likes. One pair is a pretty basic shape, but it’s all lacey and pretty on the back, and the other pair, the one he thinks he may never take off if he gets it, has a higher waistline, which he knows looks good on him from the women’s jeans he has being a high waist, too. They're completely made of lace and mesh, basically entirely see-through, and they’re gorgeous. Both styles have multiple color options, and he decides he’ll get one of each in order to see if he even likes it in the first place.

He panics when Even makes a noise in his sleep, throwing his phone down so quickly that the lack of light hurts his eyes, but he calms down when he realizes Even hasn’t woken up.

He tries to speed up the process a little after that. He mostly chooses the colors on impulse, getting the low cut ones in white and the high waisted ones in a dark pink that he thinks will look good on his skin tone. He’s not sure about sizing, but he thinks a large is probably a decent guess, so he just goes for it.

He gets a stroke of bravery after that and goes to the women’s clothing section. He finds a plain black t shirt, but it looks softer than the ones he already has, and the neckline is different. It’s not expensive, so he gets it, size large as well, but he rethinks for a second when he goes to checkout.

Even won’t open it if he sees it, because it will be addressed to Isak, but he’ll probably ask Isak what he bought, since Isak isn’t the type to shop online, and since Isak will be hiding the underwear immediately, he knows Even will be suspicious about Isak ordering a single t shirt, because Isak has literally never done that.

He thinks this maybe isn’t an option. He’s going to have to tell Even (which he’s still not ready for) before he can do this, and he can’t imagine waiting to do this. He puts his phone down again, extremely disappointed in himself and the situation he’s gotten himself into.

And then, he has an idea (again). He goes to the home section and filters the blankets that they sell from the lowest price. The first couple are too boring to be convincing, but he finds a gray one with little tassels on the end that looks like it’s the same color as the accent wall in their bedroom. He adds it to his cart and decides that he’ll give it to Even as a gift, he thinks he’ll love it.

It bothers him a lot that he’s now spending money in order to keep secrets from his boyfriend, but he tries to remind himself that this is supposed to be on his own terms. Even won’t be angry with him, and hopefully he’ll understand that it was just Isak’s own insecurities holding him back from being honest.

He reaches for his wallet, which is on the floor in the pocket of his jeans, and he puts all his information in as quickly as he can before he turns over to face Even and finally falls asleep at a decent hour for the first time in a long time.

He feels surprisingly relaxed for the next few days. On top of the fact that there’s women’s underwear being shipped to him at this exact minute, he also starts university in two weeks. Based on how tense he normally gets about basically any kind of change, he’s surprised with himself. He’s mostly excited that he’ll be going to the same school as Even again. He knows they’ll have different schedules, but they’ll probably get to see each other during the day sometimes.

Even gets home before Isak the day his package arrives, so he gets the mail, and Isak panics a little when he opens the door to see it sitting out on the counter waiting for him, but Even’s sitting on the sofa, scrolling through his phone, so he probably has no idea that he just had his hands on lacey underwear that Isak was planning to try on at the next possible opportunity.

“Hi, baby,” Even says as Isak approaches him. They share a kiss before Even asks “did you order something?” Isak says he did, and then tells Even to wait where he is.

He grabs the package and takes it to their bedroom, where he cuts it open and takes everything out. He takes the plastic wrap off the underwear before he shoves it in the same place he’s hidden everything else so far. He’s sad that he doesn't have time to look at them now, but he knows he’ll have time soon. He takes the shirt out of the plastic, too, but leaves it on the bed, because Even will see it soon enough. And finally, he takes the blanket out and removes all the tags and labels, and he hides all the plastic and the return receipt that came with the order back in the original package and throws it away on his back to the living room, and hopes that he’s done a good enough job of hiding everything in a short amount of time.

Even loves the new blanket. He throws it over his lap and asks Isak to cuddle with him, and Isak doesn’t need any convincing, but he can’t stop thinking of his pretty new underwear hiding in their dresser drawer.

The opportunity to try it comes a few days later. Even goes out with his friends and a few hours later, Isak receives a text that’s hardly legible through all the typos, but he gathers that Even’s drunk and is going to crash at Mikael’s (and that Even loves him so much).

Less than a minute later, Isak is in front of their dresser and is pulling his underwear out. They’re a little bit wrinkled, but he thinks they’ll look just fine on, so he tries the white pair on first.

And it’s not right. His legs are hairy again and there’s hair peeking out of the underwear, and it isn’t what he wanted, but he tries to ignore it, tries to remember what it was like when his legs were bare. He really likes it, but he wishes he were shaven for this, but at least he knows he feels good in lingerie, so he tries the pink pair, too.

If the white pair felt good on him, he doesn’t know how to describe the feeling he gets in the pink ones. The waistline is just high enough to frame the little bit of shape he has. His waist looks so nice and small and thin, and it flatters the curve of his ass really well, and he looks exactly the way he wants to (as long as he ignores the hair).

He doesn’t keep it on, because it doesn’t feel right when he has so much hair, but he feels a new level of confidence in his desires. Still, he puts the underwear back in his hiding place, because he still needs a little more time before he talks to Even, but he knows that there was one more step he wanted to take with this, so he grabs his things and goes to the closest drugstore, intending to buy makeup.

He’s a little intimidated when he gets there, and he thinks he probably hasn’t thought this through, because there’s not enough time in the world to look at all the things here and figure out what brands and shades and products are going to work well for him, but he decides that he’s going to try his best and he’ll call Eskild to ask for advice in the morning if he needs to.

(He really hadn’t been able to hide this stuff from Eskild, who had noticed his hair smelling like lavender and that his jeans were made for women the first time they had seen each other after each respective change, but Eskild kept it between him and Isak and only teased a little bit when Isak asked for advice.)

(are you gay-gay now, Isak?)

He pulls out his list, which is a little crumpled, but he can still read it. He doesn’t even know where to start, so he just starts walking down the aisles. Ironically, the first thing he picks up is mascara. He’s seen Eskild use this one, so it must work well. Most of the highlighters he sees are similar colors, so he grabs one that looks good enough. There are a lot of different powder shades, but he gets one that says it’s translucent and should work on most skin colors. He grabs a random bronzer, because they all look the same and he doesn’t know if he will like it on him or not. He gets a blush that looks a little dark but has some gold shiney parts in it, because he has a note on his list that that’s what the girl in the video he watched used. The eyeshadow is the thing that he ends up having to actually look for, because he actually has something specific in mind, and he ends up finding a palette that has some similar colors, so he gets that too. Finally, he grabs a pack of brushes. It’s not the cheapest one, but this one has all the purposes of the different sized brushes labeled, so he thinks it will be good for him.

He’s pretty proud that he’s managed to get all this stuff himself (although he does cringe a little at the price, but he justifies it by telling himself that he never really spent his graduation gift money, and also that he probably won’t need to replace any of this for a pretty long time since he probably won’t be wearing it often).

He puts it in the drawer as soon as he gets home, because he doesn’t want to put it on right this second. He thinks he’ll wait on this one since he’s already tried some stuff tonight.

He finally feels more relaxed about this, and thinks that now he feels like he can talk to Even. He doesn’t think he really can go any further without talking to Even, so he makes a goal to do it in the next week before school starts.

He gathers up the courage a few days later.

It’s the last day that they both have off completely before school starts a few days later, and Isak wakes up to an empty bed. He goes into the living room to see Even on the sofa with an open sketchbook balanced on his knees. He makes enough noise for Even to know that he’s coming and to give him an opportunity to close the book if he’s not ready for Isak to see what he’s drawing, but he doesn’t move, so Isak sits on his left side so that he can lean on Even’s shoulder and Even can keep drawing.

He watches Even’s pencil on the paper for a while. It’s really relaxing, and he’s so comfortable, and he’s so happy that this is his life. He presses a kiss to Even’s shoulder, not wanting to distract him too much, and gets up to make some breakfast for them.

Isak’s culinary skills still aren’t much, but he’s been trying to learn for the past few weeks, and he thinks he can handle making them some eggs. He boils some water to make tea for Even as well, and it doesn’t take too long for him to finish, so he joins Even back on the couch.

Even puts his things on the coffee table while they eat together, and Isak feels his nerves spike when he’s done eating, because fuck, he’s really gonna do this. Even’s distracted by some show that he likes that he’s had on for background noise all morning but hasn’t paid attention to until now. Isak takes their dishes to the kitchen and comes back to situate himself on Even’s lap (it might say a little about how clingy they are that Even’s only reaction is to put his arms around Isak to hold him in place without even looking away from the TV, but whatever).

Isak alternates between playing with the string of Even’s hoodie and smoothing the fabric on Even’s shoulder to try to calm his nerves. He’s looking at Even’s face like he’s trying to memorize it, and Even notices.

“You seem nervous,” he points out, and Isak nods, looking down at his lap. Even pauses the TV and turns his full attention to Isak. “What’s wrong, baby?”

Isak takes a shaky breath, because there’s no turning back now. Even starts stroking his back in a comforting motion, and waits patiently for Isak to find the words.

“You know how, um, I was acting all weird and stressed and stuff a while ago?” Even nods, looking concerned, but letting Isak tell him without prompting. “I’m ready to tell you what that was about. I think it might sound weird, but I’ve thought about this a lot.”

Even’s still rubbing his back, says “okay,” but still doesn’t say anything to pressure Isak. His breathing is still shaky, and he doesn’t think he considered the possibility that he wouldn’t get through this without crying, but repressed emotions can do that. Still, he gathers himself a little before speaking again.

“I’ve, um, figured some things out about myself, and it’s taken me a long time to accept them, but I feel really good about it, and I think it’s helping me feel better about myself.” Isak’s still struggling to get the words out, because he really doesn’t know how to explain it, but Even’s still being so patient.

“That’s really good to hear, baby. I’m really happy for you.” Isak feels the tears start to fall, but they’re not bad. It’s a combination of a lot of things, but it’s mostly how thankful he is to have someone as supportive as Even to share his life with. He thinks Even understands that, because he doesn’t ask if something is wrong. He just uses the hand that isn’t on Isak’s back to wipe the tears from his face before he put it right back on Isak’s hip and asks “do you think you can explain it to me?”

“I think the only way I know how to say it is that I like being a little more, like, feminine, I guess.” Isak can feel his heart start racing as soon as he says it, and he can’t look at Even as he processes this, and he’s mildly horrified when he realizes that there are still tears streaming down his face, although there a little bit out of fear now.

But Even’s hand is still stroking his back, and he kind of thinks it’s the only thing holding him together right now. Even takes a minute to process what Isak says, but doesn’t give him too much time to panic.

“That’s not weird at all, baby. It’s okay. Do you want to explain what that means to you?” And Isak does want to, but instead he starts sobbing, because there are so many emotions running through him, and there are months’ worth of emotional turmoil out in the open now, so he hides his face in Even’s neck and just cries.

He clutches the fabric of Even’s hoodie in his hands, and Even just holds him tight and tells him it’s okay (because he’s a saint and the greatest man to ever live and Isak loves him).

He thinks it takes a while for him to calm down, and he feels exhausted when he does, and he thinks it would take more strength than he has left to move right now, because moving would mean touching Even less, which is the least appealing thing he can possibly think of.

He thinks Even gets it, because the only movement on his part is to kiss the side of Isak’s head while he tries to even out his breathing. They stay like that for a while before Even suggests that they take this to their room. Isak thinks it’s a great idea. Laying down seems like the best thing to do right now, and Isak had never opened the curtains this morning, so it’s probably still pretty dark.

They face each other in bed, and they both get comfortable before Even starts talking.

“Are you okay, Is?” Because he has to be concerned after that display of tears, so Isak nods.

“I’ve been bottling this up for a long time. I wasn't ready to face it, and I think all the emotions just came out when you said it was okay.” Even nods thoughtfully.

“That makes sense. Did you think I wouldn’t be okay with it? Did I make you uncomfortable or something?” Even seems worried and insecure, and Isak never wants to make him feel this way.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I had a lot of stuff to work through, and I was really insecure about it for a lot of reasons. Eskild says it’s internalized homophobia.” Even smiles at that, because he probably understands that.

“Did you- did you talk to Eskild? About this?”

“A little. He doesn’t know much, but I needed advice a few times and I knew he could help.” Isak thinks for a second before he adds “I’m sorry I didn’t come to you. I trust you so much, so I promise it’s not about that. I felt really guilty, but it was really hard for me, and I had no idea how to talk about it.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I understand, and I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me,” Even says. “I know that it’s probably a little too much to explain it all right now, but can I ask a few questions just so there’s no misunderstanding? Is that okay?” Isak nods, so Even continues. “Is this, like, a gender thing?” It’s not phrased in the best way, but Isak understands the question.

“No, I think it’s like, expression, or whatever. Like I’m a man but I just want to present a little more feminine, I think is how I’d describe it.” Even nods, takes it in.

“Is it, like, a sex thing at all?” Isak puts his face in Even’s neck to hide his blush.

“I don’t know. Maybe we should test it out,” he says into Even’s neck before he lightly bites down on Even’s skin. Even smacks his arm playfully.

“You’re a menace.”

“You love me, though,” Isak says teasingly, but Even’s eyes soften.

“I really, really do. No matter what,” he says, and Isak feels like Even’s looking directly into his soul with how intense the eye contact is. His eyes get a little wet again at the absolute love and sincerity in Even’s voice.

“I want to show you all the stuff I have later.” Even nods, but doesn’t say anything, because he’s going to let Isak do everything exactly how he wants.

They’re quiet for a while. Even’s holding Isak close with one arm and using the other to trace patterns on Isak’s face. Isak doesn’t realize he’s fallen asleep until he wakes up and Even’s in a completely different position, scrolling through Instagram. He lifts his head up, and Even smiles at him.

“Hi, baby,” he says, putting his phone down to stroke Isak’s face.

“Hi. How long did I sleep?”

“A couple hours, I think. I’m not really sure,” Even says, hand still on Isak’s face.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” Even kisses him.

“It’s alright, baby. You needed it. Plus I had an excuse to cuddle you and not get out of bed, so it worked out well for both of us.” Isak smiles. “But we should probably make lunch soon.”

After lunch, they return to the bedroom, but Isak opens the curtains this time, because he’s going to show Even all his stuff. He feels pretty ashamed to pull it out from the bottom drawer, knows that he shouldn’t have hidden it like that, but Even doesn’t say anything. He pulls out the shopping bag of makeup first, since he hadn’t bothered to open anything before hiding it. Next, he pulls out the deodorant and body wash, and he puts it all down next to Even on the bed. He reaches underneath everything to pull out the razor and the concealer, and places it in the same place, and Even’s giving the razor a look that Isak can’t really decipher.

He’s a little hesitant about showing Even his pretty underwear, but he’s not holding back now. He needs to do this, so he pulls it out last, and he sees Even’s eyes widen a little bit at the sight of them.

It’s all laying out in Even’s sight now. He sits on the other side of the pile, because he needs to make sure he can see Even’s reaction. Even spends a few minutes studying everything before he finally looks at Isak, who feels like his heart might beat out of his chest from fear.

“Have you used all this stuff before,” Even asks. Isak shakes his head.

“No, I shaved once and tried on the underwear but everything else is new,” he says, barely able to look at Even.

“And this stuff makes you feel good?” Isak nods his head. “Well then I love it. I’m very happy that you’ve found something that makes you feel good.”

The only response Isak can think of is sitting down on Even’s lap and giving him the tightest hug in the world, so that’s what he does.

\---

It takes a few days for both of them to settle into everything being out in the open. They’ve relocated all of Isak’s new things to where they should be stored, but Isak still hasn’t made a move to use any of it.

He’s a little nervous. He wants to do it, but he’s scared that going all in may be a little too much for Even (because even if he said it wasn’t weird, that was before he saw anything in practice).

And he thinks Even has set some sort of rule up in his own head out of fear of overstepping, because he hasn’t asked any questions, or said anything, or even touched Isak’s stuff.

It’s not like there’s any real tension between the two of them, they’re still as comfortable with each other as ever, but it’s just this new thing that they’re both kind of avoiding.

Isak decides to take initiative on Sunday, the day before they start school, because he wants university to feel like kind of a fresh start for him, and he wants to be comfortable with his decisions there. So while they’re sitting together on their couch after breakfast, both scrolling through their phones, Isak decides what to do.

“Hey, Ev?” Even hums to tell Isak he’s listening, but doesn’t look up, so Isak continues. “I think I want to paint my nails today. Will you come to the shop with me to help me pick a color?” Even looks at him then. He looks like he’s having a mini debate in his head, and Isak is worried he’ll say no, but he agrees.

“But, are you sure you want me to be a part of this? I don’t want to make you feel like you need to include me or anything, and I don’t want to be one of those boyfriends that tells you what to do or anything,” Even says nervously.

“I don’t think I have to do anything. I want you there, and I want you to be a part of everything in my life.” Isak presses his lips against Even’s, and says “I trust you with this, Ev.”

So a few hours later, they’re standing in front of what looks like hundreds of different colored bottles, and Isak is so glad he asked Even to come, because he thinks this would be an impossible decision to make by himself.

“Maybe we should start by figuring out what kind of color you’re going for,” Even suggests.

“What do you mean,” Isak asks, and immediately after realizes that he’s just set himself up for another rant about color theory (which Even seems to have an almost concerning passion for, who would’ve known).

“Well there’s black and white, then there are neutrals, and nude tones, and then dark colors, midtone colors, pastel colors, and neon colors. There’s also just some plain glittery ones, and some of them look iridescent.” Isak doesn’t know what iridescent means, but he’d rather not spend an hour looking at this display, so he doesn’t ask.

“Maybe I'll get a nude color since it’s my first time.” Isak looks at Even as he says it, but Even doesn’t take focus off of the bottles.

“With nudes, there are warm tones, cool tones, and neutral tones. Do you know what you want?” Isak thinks back to his eyeshadow, which is warm toned, but he doesn’t think it will matter since he won’t be wearing that to school (at least, not right now).

“I don’t really know. What do you think will look nice on me?” Even finally looks at him, and he looks concerned.

“Baby, I don’t want to-” Isak cuts him off, because he knows what Even is about to say.

“Ev, stop. I’m asking for your opinion because I want to. You know more about colors than I do, so it makes sense, and if I don’t like what you choose, I’ll tell you. I promise.” Even nods, and picks up a bottle that he’s probably had his eyes on the whole time.

“I think this one will look nice on you, and I think it will work well with your gold jewelry, too.” It’s a nice color. It’s a little darker than Isak’s skin, but a similar color overall (hence the nude category). He likes it, so he takes it from Even to buy it.

“I don’t know if I should get other stuff with this.”

“You should probably get a nail polish remover. And maybe a top coat.” Isak gives Even a questioning look, because how does he know about this? “Mikael paints his nails. I help him sometimes,” Even offers as an explanation.

“Okay, so what’s a top coat for?”

“I think it just makes it look nice and shiney and maybe makes it last longer, but I’m not an expert.” Even grabs a decent looking bottle of clear polish, Isak assumes the top coat, and a pretty cheap bottle of a pink liquid, probably the remover.

“Okay. Anything else?” Even thinks for a minute before he turns back around and grabs a pink stick.

“It’s a nail file. You use it to make your nails a nice shape before you paint them.” Isak nods, and he’s so glad Even came with him. He probably sped up the color choosing process by an hour and Isak never would have thought to pick up all the extra things by himself.

He tells Even as such when they walk out, adding “I’m really glad we could do this together,” and Even has to stop them to pull Isak into a deep kiss to show his appreciation.

Isak puts it all out on their table when they get home, much like he has in the past, just to look at them for a minute. That’s when he realizes that he literally has no idea how to paint nails. He doesn’t think he’s ever even seen someone do it, but Even had mentioned helping Mikael, sooooo

“Ev, can you paint them for me? I don’t know how.”

So now they’re sitting across from each other at the table. Isak thinks it’s like those scenes that take place inside nail salons in the romcoms Even loves so much (he thinks Even’s probably having similar thoughts). Even is holding Isak’s hand up a little and moving it as he needs to to get both sides. Isak thinks it somehow feels really intimate (maybe he won’t learn to do this for himself so him and Even can do this together all the time).

He studies the first hand while Even does the other, and he really likes it. He thinks it makes his hands look so pretty, and he can only imagine that his ring will add to that. Once Even adds the top coat, he’s completely sold on this whole idea. He thinks he might end up with a collection of pretty nail colors in a few months.

“Do you like it,” Even asks, and Isak nods.

“I think I wanna do it all the time now.” Even smiles at him.

“I’m really glad. You should probably wait a few minutes before you touch anything so they don’t smudge.” Everything Even’s said so far has been true, so he nods, and then another thought pops into his head.

“I might want to shave my legs tonight. Do you think you’d be okay with that?”

“It’s your body, angel. You don’t need my approval.”

“I know that, but I want it. I don’t want anything I do to make you feel weird or uncomfortable or anything.” Even looks kind of sad.

“I think it would be great if you want to shave your legs.” Isak nods.

“Okay. I’ll do it then.”

And he does, later that night. He hops into the shower after Even finishes. He tries to keep his hair out of the spray, because he’s discovered that his hair looks better if he washes it in the morning and gives it time to dry before he leaves. Even had been curious about his coconut oil and sugar mixture, but he just told Even it makes his legs softer (he didn’t mention that he puts it on his lips, though. He thinks that will be a surprise for Even).

It’s still only his second time shaving, so it takes a while, and he shaves everything else, hopes Even will be okay with that. He finally gets to use his new coconut body wash, and he smears the lotion all over after he’s dry. Then, he scrubs his lips, brushes his teeth, and adds some lip balm before he wraps a towel around his waist and exits the bathroom. Even has a lamp on next to where he’s sitting up in bed, and Isak can feel his eyes following him all the way to their dresser, where he grabs a normal pair of underwear, not quite ready for Even to see him in panties, and crawls into bed.

Even brings an arm around Isak’s back to pull him closer for a kiss, probably what’s supposed to be an innocent goodnight kiss, maybe even just a show of support, but he lets out a strangled moan when he feels how soft Isak’s lips are and pulls him even closer.

“Fuck, why are your lips so soft,” he asks, basically mumbling it against Isak’s lips, but he doesn’t give Isak a chance to respond before he connects their lips again and pulls Isak on top of him.

Isak adjusts himself so that he’s more straddling Even than lying on top of him, and then Even’s hands start to wander. He squeezes Isak’s ass through his underwear, and then moves down to rub his hands all over Isak’s thighs, and he moans into Isak’s mouth at the feel of his legs, all nice and smooth.

Isak’s gripping Even’s hair and grinding on Even’s lap just a little. Their lips still haven’t separated until Isak realizes that Even’s hands are on his waistband like he’s about to remove Isak’s underwear, and he hasn’t told Even he shaved. He panics a little and detaches his lips, breathing heavily and trying to calm down, but it doesn’t seem Even has picked up on Isak’s distress, because he just moves to kiss Isak’s neck instead.

“Ev, stop.” Isak’s voice is strained, and Even’s hands and mouth are off him instantly.

“What’s wrong?” They’re still in the same position, but Even doesn’t dare move aside from putting his hands down on the bed where Isak can see them.

Isak wishes he could just tell Even and they could get back to it, but his panic had killed the mood a little and the shame he felt from overreacting completely destroyed it.

Neither of them move for a minute. Isak has his eyes clenched shut and he’s breathing a little shakily, and Even is watching, horrified, because he has no idea what he’d done to get such a bad reaction from Isak.

Isak sits up after a minute to hide his face in his hands. They’re in an awkward position, Isak still kind of straddling Even’s lap, but neither of them are in a state to worry about that.

“Isak, I’m gonna sit up, but I’m not gonna touch you until you give me permission. Is that okay?” Isak nods, still trying to hide his face. Even pushes himself back to try to give Isak some room, but it’s difficult in their position.

Isak takes another minute to breathe before he mumbles an “I’m sorry” into his hands, just loud enough for Even to hear.

“Baby, can you please look at me?” Even sounds so worried, and Isak hates himself for this. He removes his hands from his face, but still can’t quite look Even in the eye, but it seems good enough. “You never have to apologize for stopping me, okay? I always want you to stop me if you’re uncomfortable, but I need you to tell me what’s wrong.”

Isak can tell that Even is itching to try to physically comfort him, but he doesn’t think he can handle feeling Even’s hands on him yet. Still, he needs something, so he twists a strand of Even’s hair with his own hands. True to his word, Even still doesn’t move towards Isak, and Isak feels shitty, because he’s blown this way out of proportion now.

“I’m overreacting,” he whispers, now keeping his eyes trained on his hand in Even’s hair and bringing one of his knees to his chest in an attempt to comfort himself.

“You aren’t overreacting. Only you can feel what you feel, remember?” A tear escapes Isak’s eye at that, but he doesn’t move to wipe it away.

“I just, I shaved, like, down there, and I panicked when you were about to see because I didn’t warn you and I didn’t want you to think it was weird.” His eyes still don’t leave his hand, but he can almost feel Even’s worried demeanor change.

“Did we maybe take this a little too fast?” His voice is so gentle and understanding, and all Isak can do is nod in affirmation. “Now we know, okay? We can do a better job of talking it out before we do anything. I know this is still scary for you, so you get to call the shots here.” Isak nods again.

“Can you hug me now?” Even smiles and moves forward to wrap his arms around Isak. They both just breathe for a minute, and Even suggests that they just cuddle and go to sleep for now, which is a plan Isak supports 100%.

“You don’t need to worry about my reactions, Isak, okay? I love you and I’ll never think that something that makes you happy is weird.” Isak can’t bring himself to reply, so he just kisses Even’s chest and hopes he understands how much Isak appreciates it.

\---

They both start class at the same time the next morning, so they both get up at the alarm on Even’s phone. Isak heads straight into the shower, and Even goes to the kitchen to make them breakfast and coffee (mostly breakfast for himself, and mostly coffee for Isak, but they share a little).

Isak tries to make his shower quick, but he’s so excited that today he’s going out in the real world and he’s going to see his friends and they’re going to see him with shaved legs and women’s clothing and an unashamed attitude about it.

He sprays some stuff in his hair when he gets out of the shower. He doesn’t really know what it is, but Eskild gave it to him and it makes his hair look even better, so he uses it. He scrunches it up in his towel to dry it a little, because he’s found that method makes the nicest curls.

He walks around the apartment in his underwear while he gets his things together and drinks his coffee. He’s feeling some nervous energy at the thought of actually starting university today, but it’s kind of in a good way.

When he goes to get dressed, he remembers that he really doesn’t have much in terms of clothes that he feels really good in (i.e. women’s), but he thinks he can put together an outfit for today. He definitely wants the black jeans, because he worked too hard shaving his legs to hide it under jeans with no rips, and he also wears his plain black shirt loosely tucked in, and he wears some black high top converses that his parents had given him for Christmas when he was 18 for whatever reason (he hadn’t liked them at the time, but he thinks they could be his new favorites now).

He finishes his look with Even’s denim jacket (Even had expanded his jacket collection during his first year at university, and now Isak likes to carry the denim one around for good luck since Even doesn’t wear it every day anymore), and he puts on the jewelry that he really doesn’t leave the apartment without anymore.

His curls are falling so nicely around his face, and he loves his outfit, and he really feels good about himself, and it's an amazing thing to be able to say.

“You look too fucking hot. Everyone will be hitting on you all day,” is Even’s reaction when he sees Isak, who smiles and puts his arms around Even’s neck.

“Maybe we can sew your name into the pocket on my ass so everyone knows I’m taken.” Even lets out a groan in frustration and settles his arms around Isak’s waist.

“First, you can’t use that voice and expect me to not want to suck you off, like right here on the floor, and second, you can’t make jokes about things I’d actually like.” Isak laughs at that and gives Even a short kiss.

Even makes them take a cheesy mirror selfie before they leave (we both look so good right now Isak we need to document it) and spends half of their tram ride to campus drawing little hearts around their heads to put it on his instagram story.

Isak’s day ended up being surprisingly chill. He was able to eat lunch with Eva, who had a similar schedule, and he shared most of his lectures with people he already knows.

Even’s already home by the time he gets there, having fewer classes than him on this particular day, and he knows that they’re going to have to discuss the night before, because Isak had never reacted like that in almost two years, and he knows Even is a little freaked out by it.

They don’t get into it immediately. First, they talk about their respective days, and classes, and dumbass friends. Isak’s honestly amazed at how they never run out of stuff to talk about, but he thinks maybe that’s part of what love is.

They make dinner together. Isak’s on vegetable chopping duty and Even’s on actually making them taste good duty. They eat in front of the TV (talking during dinner is overrated and annoying). They consider having dessert, but stop considering when they realize they’re out of ice cream and would actually have to make something, and finally,

“Is, can we talk about last night?” They’re on opposite ends of the couch, but facing each other and sharing a blanket over their legs. Isak nods, but waits for Even to prompt him because he doesn’t know where to start. “Why were you so scared of me seeing your body?”

“I think I just, freaked out, because I didn’t warn you that I shaved and I didn’t want you to be surprised. And as soon as I got scared I couldn’t get it out of my head.”

“Are you worried about us having sex when you’ve shaved?”

“Not anymore, now that you know, I guess. As long as you’re okay with it.”

“Do we need to set some boundaries for this? I don’t want you to ever feel that uncomfortable again. I know we’ve never really needed boundaries before, but I think it’s important for you to feel safe”

“I don’t think so. I think I’m okay for now, but I promise to tell you if something else comes up,” Isak says.

“Okay, I trust you.”

Before they go to bed that night, Isak strips all his clothes off while Even watches, but it’s not about sex. It’s about trust, and love, and showing each other everything. Even tells him that he’s gorgeous, that he’s the most beautiful person Even’s ever seen, that he loves him.

(and maybe it ends up being about sex after that, but it’s fine, because Even eating out Isak’s hairless ass is kind of a revolutionary experience for both of them)

\---

On Thursday, Isak doesn’t have any classes until the afternoon. Even had a fairly early start, and because Isak had fallen asleep mostly on top of Even the night before, they had both woken up from Even’s alarm again.

So, Isak has some free time.

He was already mostly ready for the day, aside from getting dressed, and he decided that it’s time to try on his pretty underwear again while he’s alone.

He picks the white pair this time. He slips them on and just stares for a while at the bottom half of his body in the mirror.

He feels really good like this. He looks so pretty in the lace. His nails are still painted so nicely and it’s such a pretty look when he puts on his jewelry and puts his hands on his hips so he can see everything he loves so much in one place.

The only thing that would make it better would be Even seeing it with him, but he’s taking baby steps here.

\---

Isak’s confidence grows a little in the following weeks. He paints his nails weekly and is almost always clean shaven, and he loves showing off his hairless body to Even, and Even loves it too.

Still, he knows he has a fairly long way to go. He hasn’t worn his panties for Even yet and he hasn’t put on his makeup at all, and he’s way too scared to wear women’s clothes that aren’t just basics in solid colors, but he thinks back to where he was when he was 17 and lying to himself.

He’s stopped doing that, and he thinks that’s the most important thing. So even if he does have a lot of progress to make, he thinks that it’s important for him to acknowledge all the progress he already has made and to be proud of himself.


	3. Chapter 3

It’s not like Even has no idea that something is bothering Isak.

He knows that Isak has recently made some changes, most obviously in the shape of women’s jeans and lavender shampoo.

(Isak thinks he doesn’t know about the women’s jeans, had cut the tag out so Even wouldn’t be able to figure it out, but Isak forgets that Even dated a girl for 4 years and knows the look and feel of women’s jeans)

But somehow, knowing these things feel like an invasion of privacy, and he knows that Isak is still young and has a lot of things left to confront (Even had fought a lot of battles at 19. He gets it).

Which is why he says nothing when he figures out what’s going on.

Even’s brain works fast even on normal days. It works in his favor a lot of the time. He comes up with quick responses to pretty much everything, and people find that very charming, so it’s gotten him out of some sticky situations (and even a couple dangerous ones). He always has ideas, has notebooks that are completely filled with movie plots and story maps and character traits that he thinks he could portray. He can lie and evade uncomfortable questions like a motherfucker, which means that he can put up a front with people he doesn’t know well and they think he’s super cool (and mentally stable) and want to talk to him, so he always has interesting people who can tell him cool things about life.

It also means that people he cares about can’t hide anything from him, especially Isak, because he’s a terrible liar, and because Even can always piece together the clues (although sometimes unintentionally). Of course, he never tells anyone that he’s figured out what their deepest shame or turmoil is, that would be invasive and uncool and would probably make people uncomfortable. Instead, he tries to watch from the sidelines and silently support, which sucks, but people have to fight their own battles by themselves sometimes.

Isak seems to be having an issue with something. Even doesn’t know what until he comes back from a family funeral and the hair on Isak’s legs is short and prickly. It’s a familiar feeling to Even, who again, was with a girl for a long time. The hair feels the exact same way Sonja’s had felt every time she didn’t shave for a few days.

And that’s the thing that makes it click in Even’s head. He’s heard Isak say the phrase “isn’t that for girls” (or some variation of that) quite a few times in their relationship. Once, Even had corrected him, said gender roles were designed to create harmful power dynamics in most societies and that it harms both men and women in different ways when they try to conform and that really nothing in the world is specific to one gender. He’d thought at the time that Isak really didn’t realize that he was saying something ignorant and that it would just be a new thing that he learned.

Except Isak had flinched and apologized in the quietest voice that Even had ever heard from him and had spent the rest of the night hardly speaking or looking Even in the eye. He hadn’t fully understood Isak’s reaction at the time, but he gets it now.

Isak’s had these gender roles forced onto him, and he’s struggling to break away from them. Even had never really felt a strong connection to any gender norms, he had very liberal parents who let him play with whatever toys he wanted and let him put on princess dresses as a kid (he’s been a dramatic theatrical bitch since birth), so he doesn’t fully understand Isak’s struggle.

Which means that he can only watch while Isak tries to learn for himself. It makes him tense and he tries to ask a few questions that could start the conversation but aren’t too obvious, but Isak just seems uncomfortable and avoids everything. It becomes increasingly painful to see, to the point that Even genuinely believes that maybe he’s at least part of the problem (Isak assures him that’s not the case, and things get a little bit easier).

Thankfully, it comes to an end not long after that. Isak tells him the truth and promptly bursts into tears. Even lets him ride it out, because he’s experienced what it’s like to finally tell the truth about repressed feelings, and his reaction was basically the same.

Isak tells him everything that same day, shows him all the things he’s been hiding. It makes Even sad to think about how hard Isak was trying to keep this away from him, but he can’t dwell on that since everything’s okay now.

Isak starts slowly introducing Even to the new parts of his life, and Even thinks it’s kind of cool that after being with Isak for a year and a half and knowing him inside and out, he’s watching Isak learn new things about himself and coming to terms with them. It almost feels like Even’s making new discoveries about himself.

But Even still sees that there’s a certain level of discomfort and a need for approval on Isak’s part, and he can’t wait for the day where Isak finally becomes comfortable enough in his own desires to tell Even without apologizing, but he has no idea when that will be.

\---

Even comes home one night to Isak and Eskild sitting facing one another on the couch.

Which isn’t weird by itself. They still see each other a lot and text all the time. The weird part is that both of their faces are covered in some sort of dark brown substance. Even would almost think it’s some sort of brownie batter if he didn’t know Eskild better than that.

“Hi, Even, come join us! I haven’t seen you in so long,” Eskild says, throwing a hand out to grab Even’s arm when he gets within reaching distance.

“What’s on your face,” he asks, mostly looking at Isak.

“It’s a lovely cupcake face mask from lush. It’s great for the skin,” Eskild explains. Even nods in understanding, and then pushes Isak forward on the couch to sit behind him. Isak leans back on him but says he can’t kiss Even until the mask comes off (Even only pouts a little).

An alarm goes off on Eskild’s phone a minute later, and he grabs Isak’s hand to lead him to the bathroom. Even follows out of curiosity.

“Okay, baby jesus. Let me show you how to take this off the right way.” Eskild lets the tap water heat up for a minute before he wets his hands and starts rubbing the mask around his face in circles. He does it until the mask is gone and tells Isak to do the same.

Afterwards, Eskild sprays Isak’s face with something green in a glass bottle. Even doesn’t know what it is, but it smells good. Then, he gives Isak a small amount of what looks like moisturizer (much more expensive looking than what Isak and Even normally use, though). He does the same to his own face.

Even just watches the entire time, kind of intrigued. Both of their faces look nice and fresh when they’re done (plus he can finally kiss Isak).

Eskild makes his exit not long after they finish up, and Even can finally cling to Isak as much as he wants with no comments, so he sits back on the couch and pulls Isak down onto his lap. Isak relaxes immediately, slumps down to rest his head on Even’s shoulder.

“You okay, baby,” Even asks.

“Mhm, just missed you and I’m tired,” Isak mumbles, mostly into Even’s neck, and Even’s a little worried.

“Have you been sleeping okay?” Even thinks he is, but he hasn’t noticed right away in the past, so he still feels the need to ask.

“I couldn’t really sleep last night. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong though,” he admits. Even wishes he could help. He wishes he could tell Isak to wake him up when he can’t sleep, but he knows Isak won’t, because they’ve both noticed that Even sleeping a little more consistently has done wonders for his mental health on a daily basis.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” He figures that’s the best way to go, to let Isak tell him what he needs rather than assuming.

“Can we go to bed early tonight?” Even smiles and kisses the top of Isak’s head.

“Of course baby.”

So they do. They’re laying in bed, and Isak is tracing little patterns on Even’s chest from beside him, and Even knows he won’t be able to sleep until later, but he thinks it’s okay.

Isak still looks wide awake, though. Like he’s thinking about something and it’s bothering him too much to let himself relax. He doubts Isak will say it out loud, though, so he decides to try to change the subject.

“What was in that mask Eskild put on you?” Isak smiles.

“I don’t even know. He just put it on me. He told me to keep it, though. It’s in the fridge if you want to look.” Even gives him a questioning look.

“The fridge?” He’s never heard of skin care being stored in a fridge.

“Yeah, he said it was like, a fresh mask I think. Something about it needs to stay cold. I don’t really know.” Isak continues his little patterns on Even’s chest, but he’s looking much more relaxed now. “He also brought me a gift from lush. It’s a bath bomb that smells like lavender.”

“Those are those things that fizz when you put them in water, right?” Isak nods. “Those look fun. That should be really nice.”

“I think it turns the water all purple and sparkly too. Maybe we can use it together,” Isak suggests. They don’t use their bathtub much, it being a little small for anything fun to happen, but Even thinks it could be nice to just sit in it and relax.

“That sounds nice, baby. I think we should do that soon.” Isak gives Even a small smile, and Even can see how tired he really is, so he decides to tell Isak about the cinematography in Moulin Rouge, which is a rant he’s gone on so many times that Isak could probably mouth the words along with him.

It takes all of two minutes for his speech to put Isak to sleep, and he thinks he should kind of be offended, but he’s too focused on how adorable his boy is. Isak’s face is smushed against his pillow, his gorgeous curls falling over his eyes a little. His hand is resting on Even’s chest.

Isak would probably joke about him being a creep if he knew how much time Even had spent in the last two years watching him sleep, but he can’t help how in love he is.

He has to remove Isak’s hand from his chest to get up at some point, and he does so as gently as he can. He tries to stay quiet as he can while he goes through his nightly routine, and he’s successful in not waking Isak. He’s a little disappointed, though, because Isak’s too deeply asleep to move towards Even when he returns to bed, so he won’t get to cuddle Isak all night tonight.

But the situation resolves itself a few minutes later, when Isak mumbles “Ev” in his sleep and stretches his hand out like he’s looking for something. Even laces their fingers together and Isak gives him a content hum (he really thinks his heart might burst from affection one of these days).

The next day is a lazy day for them. It’s Saturday and they’ve both taken the day off from their respective jobs. Even wakes up to his hand still laced together with Isak’s, but Isak’s awake and looking at him.

“Why are we holding hands,” is the first thing Isak says to him, and Even smiles.

“You missed me in your sleep, baby boy. Blame this on your subconscious.” Isak rolls his eyes.

“It’s your fault, too. I tried to move and you held on tighter.” Even laughs.

“Well now we’re both awake and have no reason to leave this bed so let’s cuddle for real.” Isak pulls his hand from Even’s and moves to get up (Even might whine at him a little).

“Chill. I’m just opening the curtains so we don’t fall back asleep.” Even hums.

“I guess that’s acceptable.” Isak rolls his eyes again, and lays down fully on top of Even when he’s done with the curtains.

“Is this close enough,” Isak teases.

“I know you’re making fun of me, but you should know by now that I actually love this and I’m not letting you move,” he says as he wraps his arms around Isak’s torso and holds on when Isak tries to push himself up.

Isak gives up after less than thirty seconds, but still bites Even’s collarbone in retaliation. Even pinches his hip, and then Isak gives up the fight and puts his face in Even’s neck.

They’re both in their own worlds even though they’re so close together. Even’s using one hand to rub up and down Isak’s side. He closes his eyes, feeling so happy and relaxed, and doesn’t realize he’s started drifting off again until Isak pushes himself off Even’s chest.

“You aren’t allowed to hold me this tight if you’re gonna fall asleep. It’s against the rules.” Even hums, keeping his eyes closed.

“Since when is that a rule?”

“Since last time you fell asleep like this and I had to wait for you to wake up since you sleep like you’re dead and somehow managed to keep a grip on me.” Even hums again.

“That doesn’t sound that bad. Pick your battles, princess.”

Even doesn’t realize his mistake until Isak tenses on top of him. His eyes open wide in horror.

“Fuck, baby I shouldn’t have called you that. It slipped out. I’m so sorry,” Even said, panicking at the thought of upsetting Isak.

“It’s alright, Ev,” Isak says.

“I’m sorry. I won’t call you that again, I promise.” Isak looks down and avoids Even’s eyes.

“What if I like, want you to call me that again,” he says, clearing his throat afterwards to try and hide the tension. Even smirks when he recognizes Isak’s tone.

“You want that? You wanna be my pretty princess?” Even grips Isak’s hip as he says it, and when Isak’s eyes finally meet his, they’re filled with desire. Isak grabs Even’s hair and kisses him hard.

Their lips move together for a few minutes. Isak’s hands on Even’s hair and neck and Even’s hands roaming up and down Isak’s entire body. Isak moves his legs to be on either side of Even so he’s supporting his own weight. Even doesn’t really know if it’s going any further than that right now, but then Isak starts grinding down on him.

It’s eerily similar to another time when things had gone very, very poorly, but Even tries to look past it. He decides to take charge and flips them over, pinning Isak’s wrists beside his head. Isak looks a little shocked, but mostly like he’s enjoying it. Even knows he likes being held down, but he takes his hands away to move down Isak’s body.

“Can I take your pants off, baby boy,” Even asks breathily, right in Isak’s ear. Isak nods frantically. Even goes slow, just to tease. He kisses all down Isak’s body until he reaches Isak’s boxers. He takes them off and throws them to the ground, and he’s about to take Isak into his mouth when he feels his hair being pulled.

“Ev, come back up here.” Even doesn’t know why Isak stopped him, but he complies. He kisses Isak’s mouth again, and Isak whispers “want you to make me come without touching my dick.” Even’s mouth goes completely dry at Isak’s words, and it’s all he can do to nod before he moves to Isak’s neck, sucking it just enough to drive Isak crazy without leaving a mark, but then he changes his mind.

“Can I mark you up, baby? Would you like that?” Isak’s eyes are squeezed shut as he nods.

“Yes. Yes, please, Ev,” he chokes out. Even bites down and Isak claws at his back. He stays there for maybe a little too long, and he feels the need to double check with Isak before they really start.

“Promise to stop me if you change your mind,” Even asks, even though Isak looks like he can’t think enough to form a sentence.

“Yes, I promise. Now please get inside me,” Isak says impatiently.

“Be patient, princess.” Isak whimpers at that, and he gets even louder when he feels Even’s finger circling him.

Isak almost screams when Even pushes his knees up and starts licking his hole. He reaches down to grip one hand is Even’s hair and one hand under one of his knees to hold it up as he spreads his legs as much as he can to give Even better access.

Even sticks his tongue in Isak’s hole and Isak cries out his name, gripping onto Even’s hair. Isak whimpers when Even stops, but he started this at an angle that quickly got uncomfortable, so he has to.

Even lets his hands run lightly across Isak’s body as he moves back up to his face, and Isak shudders. Even kisses him again while he grabs Isak’s ass and squeezes. Isak already looks dazed when Even looks him in the eye again, but Even knows they’re just getting started.

“Do you wanna get my dick wet for me, baby boy,” Even asks. Isak nods.

“Yes. Yes, Even, please,” Isak begs, so Even flips onto his back again and Isak settles between his legs immediately, pulling his boxers down and stretching his lips around Even.

They had discovered not long into their relationship that Isak really, really loves giving head. He loves having Even in his mouth and making him feel good, most of the time more than he likes having Even’s mouth on himself. Even thinks it’s the hottest thing in the world when Isak asks to blow him and gets his own pleasure out of it as well as driving Even crazy because he’s so good at it.

Which means that he always has to stop Isak pretty quickly if he doesn’t want to come from it, but it’s done it’s job in making them both extremely turned on and ready, so Even makes Isak pull off and lay down on his back again while he slicks up three fingers with lube.

Isak’s breath hitches when Even pushes the first finger in. It doesn’t take long before he’s ready for a second, and Isak moans when Even pushes it in.

“You sound so pretty, baby. You sound so ready for me,” Even says, scissoring Isak’s hole with two fingers. Isak nods, breathing heavily.

“I’m ready for you, Ev. I always want you in me.”

“You need to be patient. I know what you need. Just relax for me, can you do that?” Isak nods, trying his best to calm down a little, but it doesn’t last long, because Even slips in a third finger, and Isak cries out.

Isak moves his hips a little, desperate to feel Even as much as he can. Even doesn’t stop him. He makes sure Isak is stretched open enough before he pulls his fingers out. Isak whines at the loss.

Even moves up a little before he lines up with Isak’s hole and pushes in. Isak squeezes his eyes shut at the feeling and Even pauses for a second for him to adjust. Isak starts trying to move his own hips before Even gets the hint and moves himself, pushing into Isak. Isak’s breath hitches every time Even makes a move, then he opens his eyes and looks right into Even’s.

His eyes are watery, but that’s not unusual. “Hold me down, please Ev,” he whispers. Even shudders before he grabs Isak’s wrists and pins them on the bed. Isak takes a shaky breath.

Even picks up his pace, realizing that Isak wants it a little rough this time. Isak keeps making the most beautiful sounds that seem to be the only things Even can hear right now.

“Harder, Even, please,” Isak begs, having lost the ability to speak in full sentences, apparently.

“Are you sure,” Even asks, panting a little. Isak nods.

“Please.” Even pulls back and slams into him, and Isak screws his eyes shut. Even keeps going until a few tears leak out of Isak’s eyes. He slows down a little until Isak begs him not to stop.

He keeps going until Isak clenches around him, releasing all over both of their stomachs. Even fucks him through it and whispers “you look so good, Isak. You look like such a pretty princess when you come for me.”

Even finishes inside him, and Isak cries at the feeling of Even filling him up.

Even lets Isak calm down for a minute before he pulls out. There are tears on Isak’s face, and even though Even feels pretty confident that it’s not a bad thing, he still has to check.

“Are you okay, Is? I didn’t hurt you did I?” Isak shakes his head.

“No, no, it was really good. Just a lot, but I really liked it.” Even nods and wipes Isak’s face with his hand, giving him time to breathe before he moves away to clean up. “Can you cuddle me for a minute before we clean up?” Even smiles.

“Of course, sweet boy. Come here.” Even opens his arms and Isak crawls straight into them. They stay there until they’ve both calmed down completely, at which point Even makes them get up so that they don’t fall asleep in their mess.

They strip the sheets off the bed and put a different set on before they hop into the shower together. Even washes Isak’s hair, just because he wants to. They make pancakes together for breakfast, even though it’s closer to lunch time. Isak lays with his head in Even’s lap while Even watches some weird french movie for one of his classes. Even uses Isak’s back to balance his notebook so he can write things about the movie for an assignment, and Isak intends to pay attention and discuss the movie with Even when it’s done, but Even starts absentmindedly playing with his hair and he falls asleep five minutes later.

Even wakes him up when the movie ends. Isak apologizes for falling asleep, but Even admits that he’d been really into the movie and hadn’t noticed, which Isak laughs at.

Isak suggests that they make it the definition of a lazy day and cuddle under their softest blanket and watch whatever netflix series that looks interesting (which is Isak code for “I’m feeling clingy and want an excuse to not let go of you for the rest of the day,” but Even’s been feeling the same way, so he agrees without saying anything).

So that’s what they do. It’s a tight squeeze for both of them to lay out on the couch, but that was probably the point in not pulling out the bed. Even thinks they both fall asleep again at some point, but he’s not really sure.

“Are you free again next Saturday,” Isak asks.

“Yeah, do you want a repeat of today,” Even asks, kind of joking, but also a little excited at the thought.

“No, I think we should go on a proper date,” Isak says, and Even smiles at him.

“That sounds like a great idea. Did you have something in mind?” Even doesn’t think he would’ve planned something before making sure Even’s free, but you never know.

“No, I just think that we never go on real dates since we live together, but we should do it more often.” Even smiles.

“I agree. How about we do something nice together once a week?”

“This doesn’t count as something nice? I’ve been having a great time.” Even rolls his eyes.

“We had sex and you slept on top of me for half the day.” Isak smiles.

“You just described a perfect day. I don’t know what the problem is here.” Even pokes Isak in the side to shut him up, but then stops teasing.

“I’ve had a lovely day too, baby. We should do this more often, also.” Isak gives him the brightest smile ever.

“I love you a lot.”

“I love you, too.”

\---

After dinner that same night, Isak shows Even the new nail polish he had purchased the day before. It seemed like Isak’s confidence was improving, because it was a dark pink rather than his usual nude or pastel.

Even paints his nails, just like always, and Isak suggests that they use their bath bomb instead of showering before bed.

They both watch the bath bomb dissolve in the water, and Even sinks into the water first, because where would Isak sit if not Even’s lap? The lavender and the warm water make for a very relaxing combination, and they spend a good amount of time lazily making out.

“Hey, Ev, I was thinking of trying out my makeup tonight,” Isak says as they dry off. It’s been over a month since he purchased it and he thinks he’s finally worked up the nerve.

“Okay, that sounds fun.”

“Would you want to watch me put it on maybe? I think it would be fun if we learned how to do it together, and I think you could have fun with the artsier looks if you wanted to. And like, you could do them on me if you want to do it but not on yourself, and-” Even cuts off Isak’s nervous rambling with a kiss.

“Calm down, baby. I’d love to watch you put it on, and I’d love to learn to put it on you. I don’t like it on me, though. I’ve tried before,” Even admits.

“When did you try it?”

“It was awhile before we met. Sonja put hers on me once when she was bored.” Isak nods.

“But, you don’t think it’s weird for me to wear it, right?”

“Of course not. Nothing that makes you happy is weird to me, Isak, I promise.”

Sometimes, the amount of insecurity that Isak feels physically hurts Even. He wishes Isak would do some things without his approval, but he understands that Isak’s been confronting a lifetime’s worth of doubts and insecurities for less than a year, and he’s proud that Isak is even able to vocalize what he wants.

Even doesn’t know how to make this a little bit less of a serious situation, because he wants Isak to have fun and experiment, but when he sees the light on Isak’s face, he gets an idea.

“Your skin looks really good even without makeup tonight. I think the stuff Eskild put on you worked really well.” Isak turns to inspect his face in the mirror.

“Maybe I should ask him what all the stuff was. He’d probably love it if I got into skincare and would talk about it with him.” Even smiles.

“I think he’d love it a little too much. We might go broke if we get everything that Eskild recommends.” Isak laughs.

“You’re probably right. Maybe I’ll just ask for some tips and learn about it myself.” Isak turns to look at Even again. “But, um, one more thing. I want to wear my lacey underwear. I really want to show you, but I don’t want this stuff to be sex stuff tonight. I just wanna see if I like it and I want you there. Is that okay?”

“Of course, baby boy. I’m so happy you trust me like this, okay? This can just be about trust tonight.” Isak nods, and Even smiles at him “as long as I’m allowed to think about how hot you look inside my own head because I don’t know if it’s possible for me to not think that.” Isak smiles.

“That’s chill.”

Even watches Isak pull on his panties, and he has to bite his tongue when he turns around.

Isak looks fucking gorgeous. It’s the only thing he can think for a good minute before he gets a hold of himself, because this is about Isak’s confidence and happiness.

(but jesus fucking christ he looks good in lace)

Isak throws one of his plain t shirts on, probably feeling a little naked, and sits in front of the full length mirror that leans against the wall with his makeup spread in front of him. He asks Even to sit down with him, and he opens youtube on his phone.

He goes to a private list that contains one video, and Even has no idea what it is, but he just watches when Isak starts it.

It’s a makeup tutorial. The girl is speaking english, which Isak usually hates, but he doesn’t seem to mind it in this context.

“I’m just gonna use this video to know what order to put things on in,” Isak explains. They both watch the video, and every time the girl switches products, Isak finds his version and lines it up in order (Even thinks his process is adorable).

Once the video is done, Isak starts. He’d moisturized after their bath, so he starts with his concealer. He doesn’t take too long to do it, he really has nice skin, but Even thinks he looks really healthy when he’s done. He uses the powder with a big brush next, and Even can’t see a difference.

He gets just a little bit of a really dark pink eyeshadow on a brush.

“I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do on this part. I just want a little bit of color I think, not as dark as hers,” he says as he starts to blend it, probably just wanting to share his idea of what he likes with Even.

He sees Isak get a little tense and hesitant when the next step is mascara, and he doesn’t really know what that’s about, but it looks like there’s probably a story.

“Is everything okay,” he asks when Isak hasn’t moved for a minute. “Do you not want to do this part or something?” He sees Isak debate in his head for a minute before he looks at Even.

“I just, I have this thing, I don’t really know how to describe it, but, mascara was a huge part of me like, telling myself that I couldn’t be feminine, or whatever, so I guess I’m scared of it,” he admits. “But I don’t wanna be afraid of it. I wanna face this fear. I just need a minute.”

“There’s no rush. You can have as many minutes as you need.” Isak’s eyes look suspiciously wet at that, but Even doesn’t say anything.

It takes another few minutes of Isak studying the tube and twisting it around in his hands, but he finally opens it.

“Okay, now’s the part where I’m scared to poke my eye out with this thing.” Even smiles, but doesn’t comment.

Isak doesn’t poke his eye out, and the mascara looks lovely on him, so it’s a win win. He finishes while Even responds to a text from Yousef, and when he looks back up, he instantly regrets getting distracted by his phone.

Because fuck

Isak looks like an actual fucking angel with his glowy skin and blushed cheeks. He turns around to ask Even what he thinks, and Even’s brain to mouth filter was probably just found dead.

“You look like a gorgeous little princess. My beautiful baby,” is what comes out of his mouth. He pulls Isak closer by the waist to kiss him, but Isak is looking down shyly (Even’s imagining him blushing Even more underneath everything, and fuck, he needs to calm down before there’s an issue).

“You really like it?” Isak’s shy, and seems nervous, and Even doesn’t like it.

“You look so beautiful, I promise. Do you like it?” Isak nods, still looking down. “Can I please kiss you?” Isak grins and pulls him in by the front of his shirt.

\---

Isak’s confidence only seems to grow every day since he’d put on his makeup.

He’d worn his panties to bed that night, but took them off before he went to work the next morning. He doesn’t put on the makeup again, maybe still a little shy, but he seems at ease in a completely different way than Even has ever seen.

Thursday, Even gets the mail on his way in, and there’s a fairly large H&M package for Isak. He doesn’t know what to make of it, because the last time he’d gotten a package like this, it ended up being a gift for Even. Isak is completely engrossed in assignment when Even opens the door, and he hardly reacts when Even says his package arrived, so Even leaves it on their counter and goes to the bedroom to change into sweats, because today was long as fuck and he wants to be comfortable.

He takes his time, letting Isak have a little more time to work before Even becomes a distraction, but when he goes back out to the living room, Isak’s books are gone and he’s cutting the package open with the kitchen scissors, so Even figures he’s not trying to hide anything.

“Did you order something fun,” Even asks, and Isak shakes his head.

“Mostly new clothes for me. I needed some,” Isak says, and Even’s a little confused by Isak ‘needing clothes’ when he’s only known Isak to buy clothes for himself maybe five times, until Isak pulls one of the items, out and oh

They’re women’s clothes that Isak probably likes so much more than anything he owns now, and he’s so happy that Isak has the confidence to buy women’s clothes for himself and not even act like it’s anything different, and he’s a little overwhelmed at the thought that Isak has maybe hated the clothes he’s been wearing all his life, but he doesn’t want to ruin what seems like a good mood on Isak’s part, so he doesn’t ask.

“Can I see them,” is what he asks instead, and Isak literally looks like he’s glowing from happiness.

He hands each piece to Even after he removes the packaging, and they’re mostly plain t shirts, but there’s one bigger item at the bottom, a cream colored knitted sweater.

It looks like the women’s version of the sweater Isak had purchased almost a year earlier that they both love so much. The same exact color and knit pattern, but a little bit shorter and with a nicer neckline (that Even thinks will look beyond gorgeous on Isak). There’s probably a story behind this sweater, too, but Even doesn’t want to know unless Isak decides it’s important enough to share.

“I mostly just got some basics because I needed some more and they weren’t expensive, but I was thinking we could shop for some nicer stuff together since you have a better eye than I do,” Isak says.

“We can do that. Do you want to look online or go to a shop?”

“I think it’s less stress online,” Isak admits.

“Okay, we’ll do that later. Now please give me a kiss before I die from lack of attention.” Isak rolls his eyes.

“I’m pretty sure that’s my line, and I didn’t give you permission to use it.”

\---

The following week, Even sees Isak applying some concealer before they leave for the day. He adds a little highlighter and blush at the last minute, and it hardly looks like he’s wearing anything. He just looks really healthy.

Even snaps a sneaky photo of him when he’s not paying attention, and he’s not planning on telling Isak about it until he decides that it’s just too good of a photo to not share with the world.

So, with Isak’s permission (aka: “when the fuck did you even take that Even?” “it’s a secret. Can I post it?” “I guess”), he draws a bunch of hearts around it and puts it on his story (kind of a tradition at this point).

\---

Even comes home from a truly exhausting day feeling like he’s ready to snap.

It’s a Thursday, which is his longest school day, plus he’d picked up a shift at work after his manager called him in a panic and almost begged him to come in for a few hours. Normally, he would’ve said no, but he just couldn’t after hearing the nerves in her voice.

All he can think about as he unlocks the door is taking a hot shower and cuddling with Isak until he falls asleep, even if it’s a little early for that still.

Except Isak isn’t home for some reason, and Even kind of wants to cry. He decides to go ahead with the hot shower part of his plan before he overreacts, which turns out to be a good idea, because he hears the front door close as he’s stepping back out. He gets dressed as quickly as he can and almost runs into the kitchen to greet Isak, who has a paper shopping bag in his hands.

He hugs Isak before he asks questions, because he really fucking needs it. Isak can probably tell because he holds Even tight with no questions asked.

Isak explains that he’d gone over to Jonas’s house, because Eva and him had broken up and made the decision that they should just be friends because they really aren’t in love with each other anymore. They had all seen it coming, so Jonas wasn’t completely heartbroken, but he needed a friend.

He then tells Even that he’d stopped by a lush store on his way home and had gone a little overboard on the bath bombs because the first one was so nice. Even can’t find it in him to be upset with Isak after those reasons.

Still, he insists that both of them spend the rest of their evening in bed. Isak gets cleaned up and changes while Even waits for him, laying on his stomach with his face shoved into the mattress.

He feels something drop next to him on the matress right before Isak crawls onto him and lays down right on Even’s back and pulls the duvet on top of them, and this isn’t the first time Isak has laid on top of him, it’s one of Even’s favorite cuddle positions because he thinks it’s so comforting to have Isak’s weight on top of him (because honestly, Isak is skinny as fuck and it’s just the right amount of weight for Even), but this is the first time Isak’s been on his back like this.

“What are you doing,” he asks.

“I’m being one of those weighted blanket things for you since you’re stressed,” Isak explains, because Even had told him earlier in the week that one of his old therapists had suggested a weighted blanket when he had started experiencing insomnia as a teenager. Even thinks this is kind of adorable of Isak.

“Thank you, baby. You’re so thoughtful,” he jokes, but Isak just kisses his shoulder.

“Will it bother you if I put my laptop here,” he asks, pointing to where Even’s pillow usually goes (which is above his head due to the position he laid down in), and Even shakes his head.

“It’s fine. I shouldn’t sleep just yet anyway, so it will probably be good,” he says, because the light will probably keep him awake for a while.

Isak opens his laptop, and Even thinks that he’ll probably finish an assignment or maybe watch a movie if he’s all caught up on work, but instead, he pulls up the H&M website.

“I’ve been looking at some of those fashion inspiration things and I have some ideas of what I want. You can pick some stuff for me if you want, or if you see something you want for yourself I can add it to my cart.” Even hums to show Isak he heard him, and it’s kind of a hilarious sentence to hear coming from Isak’s mouth.

First off, he picks out a few new scarves and beanies from the women’s section (Even can’t imagine there would be a difference from the men’s ones aside from the color). Even doesn’t really participate because Isak seems like he knows what he wants from that section, but Even gets a little excited when he gets to the coats section.

They’re all a lot more interesting than most men’s coats Even has seen. Isak picks two from the start, one all black and fuzzy looking (Even can’t wait to hug him when he’s wearing that) and one that’s a little longer, still black, but more formal looking and with a grid pattern all over in white and gray.

Isak keeps scrolling through the coats and reveals to Even that he kind of has a budget in mind and probably won’t get much more than this for now, but Even says that he’ll contribute since they’ll probably share at least some of it (he makes a lot more money than Isak with his job and with the youtube channel that’s still bringing in quite a bit for him and his friends. He knows it bothers Isak sometimes, but it’s just how it is). Surprisingly, Isak doesn’t object at all, which Even is super happy about (he wants to treat his boy, what about it).

After that, Isak adds a few sweaters and sweatshirts, but they’re all on the cheaper side. He adds one light colored turtleneck which Even tries not to imagine him in (because he’s gonna look so good in it, jesus) and a pack of dark colorful socks (jewel tones, Even’s color theory loving brain supplies). He asks Even if he’d like to add anything while they’re at it, but Even says no.

Isak checks out, and most of his information is already filled in, presumably from his last purchase. When he’s done, he goes to a different website that Even doesn’t know anything about.

“This is the website that Eskild buys skincare from. He told me what I should start out with,” Isak explains.

Even just watches as Isak scrolls through pages of pastel colored bottles, adding just a few things. Isak starts typing in all his information and Even can hardly keep his eyes open. He falls asleep to Isak opening a document to finish an assignment.

He wakes up alone the next morning, but he has a few texts when he checks his phone.

Isak: good morning bby. I didn’t want to wake you when I left. I hope you have a better day today. Love you

Isak: ps you were snoring last night and I took a blackmail video

Isak: also it was a little cute but don’t tell anyone i said that

Even smiles, his day already feeling better than the previous because of Isak’s message.

Even has a pretty boring day, but he has plans to go out with his friends for the night, and so does Isak.

They aren’t planning on going to the same place. Even and his friends are all 21 and can get into clubs with no issue, but Isak and the boys are still 18 and 19 and usually at least one of them gets turned away, so they’re going to a house party.

But then, the boys usual favorite place is at capacity, so they can’t go in. They almost decide to go get drunk in Even’s living room, but then Even asks Isak if they can come to the party, and Isak texts him the address.

There are plenty of people in their class there, so it isn’t weird. They all stick together as they go to find Isak and his friends. It takes a minute, but Even sees Magnus walking through the crowd and sitting down near the wall, so Even leads them over there.

It’s not everyone, but Isak and Sana are there, so Even and Yousef are happy. They’re sitting next to each other, and Isak is holding one of Sana’s hands in both of his, and she looks extremely amused by whatever he’s saying, not bothering to pretend to be mad since he probably won’t remember.

“Even, hi I missed you,” Magnus says, throwing himself in Even’s arms for a hug, and Isak’s eyes snap up.

“Mags, get off my boyfriend. Even come sit with us,” Isak says, and Even does.

Isak stands to let Even sit and then throws himself back down on Even’s lap, not letting go of Sana’s hand the whole time, which she clearly thinks is funny somehow. Yousef sits on Sana’s other side and leans in so that they can listen in while Isak continues his drunken ramble to Sana.

Even can see why Sana thought it was so funny, because it’s literally nonsense with the occasional reminder that Sana is his best bud. Even’s a little bit worried, because he hasn’t seen Isak this wasted in a very long time, but he seems to be having a good time.

The police bust up the party at some point, and some of the group decides to move the party to Isak and Even’s since they never see each other and want to catch up. Thankfully, it isn’t a long walk. Almost no one is sober but the ones who are less drunk are basically dragging the wasted ones, one of whom is Isak.

Even considers picking him up and carrying him at one point just to make this whole thing less irritating, but he decides not to do that in front of all their friends. It’s freezing outside, so there’s a collective sigh of relief when they finally get into the nice heated building.

Isak decides that he’s going to refuse to let go of Even for the rest of the night, which Even is fine with now that they can just sit down and not have to move anywhere.

Even holds Isak in his lap for the rest of the night. At some point, when everyone has broken off into separate conversations, Isak puts his face in Even’s neck and licks it. Even knows he’s going for something sexy, but he’s way too drunk for Even to even consider it. He continues his conversation with Mahdi and Isak gets bored and gives up after a few minutes.

People start leaving in groups, and they’re left with Jonas, Magnus, and Vilde, all of whom are far too drunk to get home safely, so Even tells them where the extra blankets are and carries Isak, who’s been drooling on his shoulder for the last hour, to bed. Even removes Isak’s clothes and tucks him in before going to brush his own teeth and returning to Isak, who curls into his side when he lays down.

“Ev, can I tell you something,” Isak mumbles into Even’s chest.

“Of course, baby.”

“I love you so much.” Even smiles, kissing the top of Isak’s head.

“I love you, too, sweet boy. Get some sleep now, okay?”

“But one more thing.”

“What is it,” Even asks.

“I want you to act like I’m a girl next time you fuck me.”

Even freezes, not knowing what to say to that, but Isak saves him the trouble by falling asleep, face pressed into Even’s chest and curled all around him.

Even wakes up first the next morning, and Isak hasn’t moved a muscle during the night. His mouth is wide open and he’s snoring a little, and he’s definitely been drooling on Even’s chest all night because of it, and it probably says a lot about Even that he thinks it’s adorable and takes a photo.

He extracts himself from Isak slowly so as to not wake him up. Hungover Isak can either be a bitch or a clingy ragdoll (or on one notable occasion, both). Even’s not ready to see what today has in store for him until he’s at least made coffee and maybe some breakfast.

Magnus and Jonas are still on the couch bed when he opens the bedroom door, Vilde probably leaving as soon as she woke up. Jonas is still asleep but Magnus is sitting up and rubbing his eyes, probably just waking up. His eyes snap up when Even shuts the bedroom door, and he smiles.

“Hi, Even. Thanks for letting us crash here.” Even smiles.

“No problem, Mags. Would you want to stay for breakfast? I think we have enough stuff to make pancakes for everyone,” Even says.

“That would be so great, fucking hell. I’ll help you make them.”

Even starts a pot of coffee and he and Magnus spend the next 20 minutes in the kitchen making breakfast. When they’re done, Magnus jumps on Jonas to wake him up, and the glare Jonas gives him rivals some of Isak’s best. Even’s a little more gentle about waking Isak, mostly because he hopes it will mean that Isak wakes up in a decent mood.

He rubs Isak’s back and whispers his name, and Isak whines when he takes his hand away and tries to grab it back (clingy ragdoll Isak it is). Isak doesn’t let go of his hand, even when they’re eating breakfast. Magnus is laughing a little bit, but Jonas is too hungover to even notice. Even gives all of them painkillers and offers to let Jonas and Magnus hang out for a while, which is an offer they both accept.

They all move to the couch after breakfast. They leave the bed open so that they can all stretch out. Jonas requests that they close the curtains because the light is hurting his head, so they do that and pick a movie to watch in the dark. Isak sits half on top of Even, and Isak and Jonas both fall back asleep within the first 20 minutes. Even doesn’t think he’d be able to move without waking Isak, so he doesn’t try. Jonas sleeps through almost two full movies and then offers to pay for a few pizzas for lunch as a thank you.

Even wakes Isak back up when the pizzas arrive, and Isak continues clinging to his side for the rest of the day, much to the amusement of the other boys.

Magnus and Jonas both leave in the middle of the afternoon, and Even’s tense thinking about what to do about Isak’s confession last night. He doubts Isak remembers it considering how out of it he’d been and the fact that he’d fallen asleep immediately after saying it, so he’d have to remind Isak and maybe even tell him what he’d said, which would probably embarrass Isak. He also wonders if it counts as Isak coming to him with something he wants or just being too drunk to hold back.

They’ve had kink discussions before. Quite a few, actually. They both like to make sure that there are no misunderstandings about what the other wants and that they’re being as safe as they possibly can be. It’s worked really well so far. They have a great sex life and always feel comfortable experimenting with each other. The problem with this is that this seems to be a little more delicate.

This isn’t Even pinning Isak’s wrists or handcuffing him to the headboard. It’s not Isak sucking Even off in a public bathroom. It’s not Even taking control and telling Isak what to do. This is something that would have been emotionally scarring to Isak six months ago. It’s something that would’ve made Isak have severe trust issues with Even if it had slipped out without discussion, or probably even if Even had brought it up before Isak did.

But even with all of that rolling around in his mind, Even can’t deny the fact that the thought of treating Isak like he would a girl makes his mouth dry. He knows Isak enjoys being feminine and it’s pretty obvious to most people observing that Even’s the more dominant one in the relationship, which he knows Isak really likes.

(of course, they’re very much still equals in their relationship, but Isak loves being bossed around and told how to do things in bed)

When Isak exits the bathroom after his shower and asks Even if he’s okay, because he’s staring at the wall, he knows he needs to bring it up. He asks Isak to sit with him and puts an arm around his back and kisses his cheek before he starts.

“Do you remember what you said last night when we were in bed,” he asks. Isak thinks for a minute.

“No, I don’t really remember much after we got inside.” Isak looks nervous as he says it, and Even pulls him closer.

“You licked my neck and then fell asleep when I wouldn’t pay attention, so that makes sense,” Even says, smiling at Isak. “You didn’t do anything wrong, don’t worry.” Isak lets out a sigh of relief. “You just, when we were going to sleep, you told me about something you want from me in bed.”

Isak looks at him, horrified. He probably knows exactly what he said with that reminder, so this must be something he’s been thinking about.

“I think you know what you said, and if you’re not ready to talk about this, we can stop right now,” Even promises. Isak seems to think for a minute before he shakes his head, looking down, probably a little embarrassed.

“No, I’ve been thinking about it, and I know I want it, so we should probably go ahead and talk about it.” Even nods.

“I think you should tell me exactly what it is, okay? This is nothing to be ashamed of. We’ve had this talk a bunch of times, and I liked the thought of it once you told me, so you don’t need to worry about that.” Isak looks at him again, like he’s searching Even’s face for any hint that Even’s lying about wanting it too. He grabs Even’s other hand to play with his fingers, a nervous habit that they’ve both developed at this point, while he thinks about what to say.

“I think I just, like, want you to treat me like a girl when we have sex. Like I really like it when you call me a princess and tell me I’m pretty and stuff, and I really liked you making me come without touching my dick, and I just think it would be hot if you acted like I’m a girl,” he says, still nervous, but not as bad as a minute ago.

“So would you like it if I acted like your body is like a girl’s?” Isak nods, still not looking at Even, but Even understands. “But this isn’t like a thing where you want it to be degrading, right?” Isak shakes his head.

“No, I don’t think I would like that. Plus that’s probably kind of sexist,” Isak says, finally looking at Even again. Even laughs a little, because it’s a little funny to hear Isak care about social issues, but he’s proud that Isak’s come so far.

“Okay, I think I understand. Thank you for telling me.” It’s not exactly where Even thought they’d be at the end of this talk, but Isak seems a little too nervous about it for either of them to really get in the mood, so Even just kisses the side of Isak’s head.

\---

Even’s been getting the message for a long time that Isak wants him a little more involved in his new lifestyle.

Isak still does most of it when he’s alone, so Even thought this was really just an Isak thing for a while, but then Isak had started dropping hints, the biggest ones being the “I want you to act like I’m a girl” incident, and the time Even came home to Isak wearing lingere and nothing else and asking Even to fuck him (which he had, and he thinks about it every time he’s bored or doesn’t want to pay attention to someone else).

And Even can take a hint. He really just doesn’t know how to get into this without asking Isak what he wants from him, but he doesn’t think Isak wants him to ask.

So he spends a while brainstorming. Isak already has nice scented soaps and lotions that he seems to love, so Even doesn’t think they need to be replaced. He’s pretty particular about clothes, so Even doesn’t think he should buy him anything on that front until they both understand what Isak likes a little better. He has a decent amount of nail polishes, and he’s fairly particular about those, too.

When it comes down to it, the only thing Even can think of is the lingerie. Isak had admitted to him that the lingerie he owns was pretty cheap and from H&M, so Even thinks maybe he can just buy Isak a few nicer pieces that he’ll love.

He doesn’t really know where to start, though. He’s never purchased lingerie before, so he doesn’t know where to shop. He googles ‘lingerie store’ and there are a bunch of physical stores, but he imagines a scenario where someone Isak knows sees him in there and either thinks he’s cheating on Isak or figures out that he’s buying lace panties for Isak, and he thinks if that happens, Isak will dump him and never speak to him again (not true, but Even never claimed to think rationally about things).

He doesn’t want that to happen, so he keeps scrolling to the online stores. He scrolls through a few that don’t catch his eye, until he sees savage x fenty, and he recognizes that name (how, he doesn’t know, but he’s heard it before).

There are tons of categories, and Even goes straight to the undies category, and then he discovers how many cuts of underwear there are, and he’s a little overwhelmed by it. He clicks view all, and he has to take a deep breath when the first pair he sees is completely made of white mesh in the front with some white lace details. He thinks he’s not going to get very far in this process if he imagines every pair he likes on Isak, but he doesn’t know what else to do, until he sees that he can make an account and save all the things he likes on a list.

He does that, and there ends up being a dozen pairs of underwear in his saved folder, which he knows there’s no chance he can afford all at one time. He thinks he’ll pick two or three pairs to begin with, but when he sees that he still has over an hour before Isak gets home, he lets curiosity get the best of him and he explores some of the other categories.

He skips the bras, there’s no point in that, and he’s a little discouraged when he sees that most of the things they sell have wired in bras, which he thinks Isak would hate, but then he finds a section called bodysuits and teddies.

Most of them are tight on the models’ bodies, so Even thinks that they’d look right on Isak if he gets a small size. He saves four of them, but decides not to order them until he can figure out if it’s something Isak would actually like to wear.

He looks through the garters section, and he sees a black one that he’d literally kill to see on Isak, but he doubts it’s something Isak would want (he saves it anyway, just in case Isak decides one day to make all of Even’s wet dreams come true). He also saves a thigh garter for the same reason.

Then the time comes to make his decision on which underwear to buy. There’s a sheer black pair that Even thinks would look obscenely good on Isak’s pale skin, so he chooses those first. Then he picks a high waisted pale pink pair, because he thinks Isak would feel really good for himself in that particular pair, and finally, he chooses a high waisted white thong, which he figures is the best of both worlds (Isak likes high waist, Even likes Isak’s ass).

He puts his credit card information in right away when he realizes that he’s spent way too long browsing and he needs time to calm himself down before Isak gets home so he’s not suspicious.

(he didn’t need to worry though. Isak jumps on him as soon as he gets home.)

\---

The package arrives the following week, and luckily, Isak is out of the apartment. Even opens up the package to take the receipt out to hide it (so what if he did end up spending a little too much) and then closes it, wanting to see everything for the first time along with Isak.

He’s antsy for the two hours he has to wait, and Isak wants to make dinner when he gets in, so Even leaves the bag on their bed and joins Isak in the kitchen, resigning himself to the misery of waiting an extra hour (he knows he’s being dramatic).

Isak keeps asking him what’s wrong, but he keeps avoiding it. He knows Isak’s probably pretty worried by the time they finish eating, so he pulls him close to his body and leans down.

“I bought a special present for my special princess,” he whispers in Isak’s ear. Isak swallows and takes a deep breath, and Even leads him to the bedroom by the hand.

They sit on the bed and Even puts the bag in Isak’s lap, encouraging him to open it.

Isak pulls out the pink pair first, which Even was hoping for. He unfolds it and examines it, running the fabric between his fingers like he can’t believe he has them in his hands. He clears his throat.

“Should I model them for you,” Isak asks, and Even nods, unable to speak.

Isak strips his clothes off and Even grips their duvet in his hands at the thought of what he’s about to see. Isak stands in front of their mirror and slips the panties on, and Even’s heart is going to beat out of his chest.

Isak turns around and walks to stand right in front of Even. He turns around to show his back and looks over his shoulder like a runway model in a cheesy movie would. Even takes a deep breath, because this isn’t about sex right now. Isak is having fun and he feels good in these and he trusts Even enough to show that.

“Gorgeous, baby. Do you like them?” Isak nods. “There’s more if you want to open them now.” Isak looks a little shocked, but sits down and takes the bag again. He pulls out the white pair next, and he looks surprised by the back of it being a thong, but still stands to put them on. He lays the first pair flat on the bed, and Even thinks it’s endearing how much care he treats them with.

He looks at these a little longer in the mirror, probably trying to figure out if he likes the thong part or not, but he must decide that he does, because he shows them off to Even in a similar fashion to the first.

Even hands him the black pair, and this is the most shocked Isak has looked the whole time, because most of what he owns now are light colors and Even doesn’t think he purchased them with the intention of being sexy, but of feeling good for himself. Isak looks a little nervous as he examines the black pair, and Even fears he’s made a mistake.

“You don’t have to wear those if you don’t like them or they aren’t your vibe,” Even says, trying not to let the nervousness seep into his tone, but Isak doesn’t say anything. He holds the underwear for another minute before he slips off the white pair, laying it nicely on top of the pink one, and pulls the black pair on, still standing right in front of Even the whole time.

“Do they look good,” he asks shyly.

“Of course, baby. You always look good.” Isak rolls his eyes.

“Don’t be stupid, Ev. You know what I’m asking you.” Even clears his throat, stands up, and pulls Isak in again.

“You look so fucking gorgeous, baby boy. You have no idea what I want to do to you in these,” he says in a low voice. Isak looks up at him.

“Why don’t you tell me, then?” Even pulls him impossibly close to his own body.

“I want to push you on the bed and tell you what a pretty girl you are.” Even doesn’t think he’s ever heard the sound Isak makes at that before now, so he continues, wanting to hear it again. “I wanna climb on top of you and pin your arms down while I mark you up. I wanna cuff you to the bed so I can get a good view of you in your panties and you just have to wait until I’m done looking before I take them off and fuck you so well that you can’t speak.” Isak looks dazed just from Even’s words. He swallows and nods.

“I think you should do all of that right now,” he says, and it’s all Even needs to push him onto his back and pin him down with his hands.

Even breathes on Isak’s neck until he’s squirming, just waiting for Even to bite down on his skin. Even just watches as Isak comes undone, so eager for Even to do what he wants. Isak whimpers when Even starts sucking at the sensitive spot on his neck and moves his head to the side to make plenty of room for Even.

Even keeps teasing until Isak’s a mess under him, whimpering at the slightest graze of Even’s lips and gasping every time Even tightens his hands around Isak’s wrists. He gets the handcuffs from their dresser and cuffs Isak to one of the slats in the middle, arms up above his head so they’re useless to him.

(they don’t use the cuffs much, usually preferring the feeling of Even pinning Isak’s wrists, but this is a special occasion)

“You’re so fucking gorgeous, Isak. I can't believe how pretty you look like this,” he whispers, right above Isak’s face. He gives Isak a short kiss, and Isak tries to chase his lips when he pulls off, but Even sits up in front of him.

Even makes sure Isak’s watching when he pulls off his own clothes, still teasing. Isak whimpers again when Even takes his pants off and grabs his own dick through his briefs.

Even gets on top of Isak again, but balances on his outstretched arms so he can look. Isak’s skin is flushed all over and he’s squirming under Even’s gaze. He’s breathing heavily and he’s so hard that Even’s a little worried about the panties not stretching enough to accommodate him.

Even pushes Isak’s legs apart to make room for himself to lean back down to kiss Isak’s chest. Isak’s breath is shaky and he’s letting out little whines constantly at this point. He gasps when he feels Even’s lips on him again.

“I want you in my mouth, Ev, please,” He begs, looking so gorgeous and desperate.

“Not yet, baby. How about you get my fingers wet for me, though? Do you think you can do that?” Isak nods, excited to at least have something in his mouth. Even sticks three fingers in and Isak starts sucking immediately. “God, you’re such a good girl for me, baby. You’re doing so good.”

Isak hums around Even’s fingers, moving his head forward as much as he can to get them all in his mouth. Even shoves them back and Isak gags around them, and Even decides to go a little further.

“Get them nice and wet, baby, so they feel good when I stick them in your pretty pussy.” Isak’s eyes widen and his hips buck forward a little, so Even assumes he liked that. He closes his eyes and continues sucking Even’s fingers. He tries to chase them when Even pulls them out, but forgets what he was doing when Even pulls his panties down and sticks a finger in as quickly as he can, so eager to get inside Isak.

Isak moves his hips as much as he can each time Even adds a finger. There are tears streaming down his face by the time Even pulls his fingers out and pushes his dick in.

Isak sobs at the feeling, keeps repeating Even’s name, almost incoherent. Even goes hard and rough from the beginning this time, way too eager himself to delay this at all.

He watches Isak’s face, eyes shut in pleasure, wet from the combination of tears and the spit that had trailed down his chin when Even pulled his fingers out. He looks fucking gorgous like this. Even wishes he could document it.

It doesn’t take very long before Isak tenses up and is only able to say Even’s name as a warning before he clenches around Even and comes so hard that it gets all over his chest. Even keeps going, fucking Isak until he’s ready himself. Isak lets out another sob when Even finishes inside him, filling him up, and he whimpers when Even pulls out.

He gets the handcuffs off Isak first thing. He wipes Isak’s chest with the shirt that he had discarded on the floor before he pulls Isak into his chest.

Isak’s breathing is still shaky and his face is still covered with tears, a few still falling from the overwhelming sensation. Even gives Isak a few minutes to calm down, just sitting in silence and petting his hair until his breathing evens out and he stops crying.

“Do you think I succeded in fucking you so well you couldn’t talk?” Isak huffs out a wet laugh, but doesn’t move. “Let me get you some water and a towel, sweet boy. I’ll be back in just a minute.” Isak nods and moves off Even’s chest.

Even moves as quickly as he can to grab a cold water bottle from their fridge and run one of their rags under warm water. Isak’s still in the same position when he returns to their room, still looking a little dazed and fucked out, but following Even with his eyes.

“Can you sit up just a little, angel?” Isak nods and pushes himself up, leaning against the headboard. Even opens the water for him and hands him the bottle and lets him take a few sips while Even rubs the sweat and tears from his face and chest. He wipes himself down a little before he takes a few sips of the water as well and lays back down with Isak. “Was that too much,” Even asks, a little worried about Isak not speaking.

“No, it was really good. I love you,” Isak replies, head back on Even’s chest and eyes closed. Even’s heart melts a little.

“I love you too, baby.”

\---

The next morning, Even wakes up to Isak still sound asleep on his chest. They’re both a little bit gross having not really cleaned up last night, but Even doesn’t mind.

Isak sleeps for another hour. Even, who hadn’t wanted him to wake up alone, watches the whole time. His heart flutters every time Isak makes a noise in his sleep.

Isak’s sore when he wakes up, but that’s to be expected. He says it isn’t too bad, though. They shower together like they often do, and then Isak leaves for work with his makeup done and an outfit he wouldn’t have even imagined himself in a year ago (Even is so fucking proud of his boy).

Even cleans up while he’s gone. He changes their sheets and puts the handcuffs back in their place and puts Isak’s new panties in the dirty laundry to be washed before he wears them. Isak’s been keeping his new clothes and underwear in a separate drawer to all the rest of their things. It makes Even a little sad in weird way when Isak and him get dressed in the morning and they open different drawers, but it’s okay.

He remembers a little too late that they’d gotten distracted before the dishes were done last night and that his friends are probably already on their way over because he offered their place to film for the channel today. He rushes to clean up the rest of the mess around their apartment, wanting it to at least look decent on camera for thousands of people to watch.

The boys haven’t decided what to film when they get there, and it takes so long to decide and get started and film that they still haven’t finished when Isak texts and says he’s done with work and is going to get coffee with Eva and Sana.

They’re packing the camera equipment up when Isak runs inside and into the bedroom and shuts the door before anyone can react. Even’s sure the confusion can be seen on his face, and so can the other boys’. Even’s phone buzzes with a text from Sana a minute later.

Sana: hi even. I don’t know if isak is home yet, but we left him outside for a minute and when we came out some guy was harassing him about his clothes and makeup. Isak yelled at him and it almost got physical, so he’s probably really upset. He left without saying anything.

Even’s heart drops. He mutters a “fuck” under his breath, and he thinks the boys heard because they leave without asking questions.

He takes a minute to brace himself before he knocks on the bedroom door and asks if he can come in, because Isak may want to be alone, even if that maybe isn’t the best choice right now. He waits until he hears a small “yes” before he opens the door and closes it right behind him. Isak is laying on his side in their bed with his face pressed into a pillow. Even sits next to him and rubs his back, telling him that he can start talking whenever he’s ready.

It takes a few minutes, but Isak sits up and looks at him. His makeup is smeared all over the place and his eyes are watery and the sight breaks Even’s heart.

“Can you hug me before we talk,” Isak asks. Even nods and takes Isak into his arms.

“Sana texted me, so you don’t have to explain what happened unless you want to,” Even explains, still holding Isak. Isak leans back, but keeps his hands on Even.

“I was really scared, Even. I know we talked about not fighting with them but I was alone and he kept getting closer to me and then I got angry because he was being a fucking idiot. I’m sorry,” Isak explains, a few tears escaping his eyes, a little rage still clear in his voice.

They had talked about it after the incident on Isak’s 18th birthday. Even had begged Isak to try and keep his temper in check if it happened again, especially if he was alone or they were outnumbered. Even thinks the only reason they weren’t seriously injured that day was because the other guy didn’t have a friend and it would’ve been two against one.

And Isak had promised him to try. He said that it was just the first time and it was shocking, but he’d try not to react like that again, and he hadn’t. This one seems to have hit him a little harder.

“I’m not angry with you, Isak. Can you tell me why it made you so angry, though? You haven’t reacted like this in a long time.” Isak shrugs, looking down in shame.

“I guess it’s the first time anyone has bothered me when I’m alone and not because we were holding hands or kissing or something. Like, I’m visibly gay when I’m on the street by myself now,” Isak explains. “But I don’t want to change because I’m happy but I’m scared now.”

Even has to take a second, because he has no idea how to comfort Isak when he’s right to be scared, but he thinks maybe that’s the best way to go with this.

“I know this probably isn’t what you want me to say, but I think you’re right. It’s okay that you’re scared now, but don’t let it control your life. I think you need to remember how happy you are and that you’re learning to love yourself, which is something you couldn’t do when you were hiding what you wanted.” Isak doesn’t react for a second, and Even worries that he’s overstepped, but then Isak gives him a little smile.

“I love you.” Even smiles right back.

“I love you so much, Is.”

\---

Even’s favorite thing in the world for the last two years has been watching Isak.

Thankfully, it’s welcome. Sometimes Isak will just roll his eyes playfully when he sees Even just staring and not focusing on anything else. There are even times he puts on a little show, sticking his ass out when he bends down to clean, walking around the apartment in nothing but the white thong panties that make Even incapable of coherent thought, wearing Even’s clothes that are just a little too big for him because he knows it drives Even wild.

But Even thinks he likes it best when Isak doesn’t notice, too focused on whatever task is in front of him to pay attention to his surroundings. Even thinks it’s when he can truly see Isak unguarded and behaving naturally.

Like when he studies. Even doesn’t think Isak realizes, but he mutters important things he reads under his breath. Even’s almost never close enough to actually hear what he’s saying, but he thinks it’s the sweetest thing ever.

And sometimes, when he cooks. He’s still pretty new to actually seasoning things, so he gets really focused on it. His brow creases and he mouths the name of the spices they have while he figures out which ones to use on whatever he’s making.

And even when he’s cleaning. It had been a pretty surprising development when Isak learned that he actually enjoyed cleaning. It was kind of therapeutic for him in a way, and it was important to Isak to keep their home nice and take care of it since he’d gone so long not having a place to call home. Even supported it wholeheartedly, because Even still fucking hates cleaning things and it also makes both of them feel so much better to have a tidy space to live in.

(but Even still helps Isak clean if he asks. He’s not a monster or a terrible boyfriend or anything.)

Isak’s shame in dancing around to shitty pop music had disappeared a while ago. He loves to do it when he cleans now, and Even often joins him, but sometimes he just watches as Isak hums along to a playlist Even had made and frequently adds to.

But sometimes Even looks at Isak and has no idea what’s going on in his head, and one of those times is right now. Isak’s writing something in a notebook, but he not taking notes because there’s no textbook or laptop near him. It almost looks like he’s planning something, but Even can’t possibly imagine what he’d be planning by himself.

He doesn’t want to ask, because it looks like this is important to Isak and he doesn't want to be a distraction, but he can’t help being curious about this, because Isak would do this when he’s not home if Even wasn’t supposed to know anything.

Even watches until Isak finishes what he’s doing, closes the notebook, and looks up, at which point he rolls his eyes.

“How long have you been watching me you creep?” Even smiles.

“A while. What were you doing?” Isak rolls his eyes again before he stands up and comes to sit next to Even on the couch.

“It’s not really important. I just wanted to write some stuff down so I could see it. Stuff like that,” Isak explains.

“It sounds important.” Isak sighs.

“You know, when I was trying to figure everything out a few months ago, I wrote down everything I felt insecure about or didn’t like so that I could write possible solutions next to it.” Even nods.

“That’s a really good idea. Did it work for you?” Isak nods.

“It helped me figure all this stuff out and what I liked and everything. It really helped. I was just doing that about the guy in the street.”

“What was your solution to that?”

“Everything you said to me. I think you got it exactly right and I wanted to write it down so I don’t forget,” Isak explains. Even smiles.

“Well you take good care of me, so I’m happy to hear that I could help.” Isak gives him a funny look.

“We take care of each other because we’re in love, Even. We’re equals no matter what you think.” Even has to take a minute to process, because sometimes he forgets.

He forgets that even though his emotions are generally a lot more intense than those of the people around him, Isak is just as in love as he is. He forgets that they’re so good for each other and Isak isn’t just someone he got lucky to have. Even’s confidence has improved since they met, Isak no doubt having a big role in Even thinking better of himself, but Even still struggles sometimes to remember that they’re living life as a team, and not Isak taking care of Even because he has to.

“Sorry,” Even says, a little choked up at the reminder. Isak kisses his cheek.

“Don’t apologize.”

\---

One morning, Isak accidentally wakes Even up getting out of bed. Even can’t fall back asleep, so he just watches Isak run around their room getting ready for his day.

Isak kisses him before he leaves, and he tastes like minty toothpaste and his favorite strawberry lip balm.

Even thinks back to when they met, when Isak was so deeply in the closet that he’d programed himself to be the most masculine heterosexual man that he possibly could be.

That Isak would never believe that this Isak exists. He’d never believe that he’d one day wear women’s clothes and feel good about it. He’d never believe that he’d be the kind of person that could wear makeup in public and show affection to his boyfriend in the street.

That Isak hated himself, but this one didn’t.

Even doesn’t think there’s enough room in the world to contain the love and pride he feels for Isak. He hopes Isak feels the same.


End file.
